Thoughts And Short Stories/Scenarios

Entry 15

     
              I wouldn't recommend reading this if you get triggered easily. I didn't know if I should put a trigger warning on this or not ,so I just did. Bye

     I can feel all my insecurities coming back to gnaw at me. I can feel them in the back of my head just clawing and trying to get out. I can feel them roam about my mind as they have been able to get out. I can't look at myself without gagging or cringing at the sight. I feel like I need to cover myself up and hide away from any mirrors or possibly judging eyes. My urges to harm myself have come up recently. Yeah I am a bit scared but I know I wouldn't hurt myself again. Summer is coming ,so I wouldn't be able to cover up.  In also have people that would get upset with me of I hurt myself again. I have the thoughts of starting small. I mean I wouldn't want to add any more flaws to my body ,so I should do things to make it the way I would like right? I have thought about and considered not eating. Basically starving myself. I won't have to do it for long if I keep up my exercises, cold showers, and ice method. That would work right? I mean I'd eat when its close to the mark of three weeks? I'm not sure. Whenever anyone gets suspicious should be fine right? I'm just tired of seeing my body and hating it because I know its my fault it turned and looks like complete shit. With the way I look, its gonna be pretty hard to find anyone who will ever want to be in a relationship with me. That and even if I did get into a relationship, my significant other would get irritated and leave me because I'm too insecure to even let them too close. Huh....I guess I just might end up being alone. Maybe it won't be that bad. Doing this will help me won't it? I mean I'll need to start eating again when I'm at a happy place with my body but for now I dont think I can. I'll set it up on my calendar starting Sunday or Monday of next week. No food just water (and maybe some apple juice because everyone will get suspicious if I dont drink it) until I'm at a good weight. I'm glad I won't be around my friends that often ,so they won't be getting upset with me. I hope after this that my body is good enough for someone else to at least like