The North Star (B. Barnes & S. Rogers)

Chapter Thirteen

Loki is grabbing a few things from the living room when Bucky and Steve walk in, talking amongst themselves, Bucky had tried to broach the subject of North to Steve but he failed to convey just what he wanted to say, he doesn't know how to say it, not to Steve, not even to himself. Steve notices Loki first and cocks is head watching him.

"What are you looking for?" Steve asks Loki who thumbs through a pile of magazines on the coffee table.

"Those apothecary journals" Loki admits. "I wanted to give them to North before she goes"

"Goes?" Steve asks.

"She's leaving with mother" Loki answers finding the magazines, he tucks them under his arm and turns to them.

"What do you mean she's leaving?" Bucky asks from Steve's side.

"As in; she's leaving" Loki answers with an eye roll. "As in: she is returning to Asgard with our mother" he grabs a book from the side. "Now if you excuse me" Loki tells them. "I told her I'd sit with her until mother is ready to go" Loki walks away from them, Bucky frowns at his shoes. She's leaving. Bucky clenches his fists at his side, huffing through his nose. He's angry and annoyed and pained. His heart aches at the thought of her leaving. Of her disappearing again.

"Why does this bother you so much?" Steve asks Bucky who shakes his head getting increasingly upset by the thought of North leaving Earth.

"Nothing" Bucky answers. "No reason...." He glances to Steve. "We have the best tools to aid in her recovery, if she leaves now...."

"Just tell me the truth" Steve pushes, Bucky clenches his jaw and then spins on him.

"Yes! Fine!" Bucky snaps slightly. "I love her!" he shrugs. "So what?" Steve takes a breath and keeps his eyes locked with Bucky. Bucky realises what he's just said to his boyfriend. "I'm sorry" Bucky whispers looking away. Steve steps closer to him.

"Bucky" Steve starts, Bucky lets out a shaky breath and looks at him. "I kind of figured it out" Steve assures him.

"I love you" Bucky assures him, Steve nods.

"I know" he takes Bucky's hand. "I don't question that"

"What now?" Bucky asks him, Steve shrugs a little.

"What do you want to do?" he counters, Bucky sighs and drops into the seat behind him, he drops his head into his hands.

"Nothing" Bucky admits. "There is nothing I can do here...." Steve crouches in front of him as Bucky lowers his hands. "Why aren't you mad?" Bucky asks him, Steve shrugs a little.

"What you had with her, that was before what we have now.....we weren't really this back in the 40s. Times were different, we were different.....she's your ex, I can't really be mad about you still having feelings for her, not when I know what you both went through, how in that place, she was all you had, she was your friend, your lover, your....balm, your light in all that darkness. She looked after you, why would I be mad about that?"

"Will they go away?" Bucky asks. "These feelings?" he elaborates, Steve sits at his side and threads his fingers with Bucky's on his knee.

"I don't know, Buck" Steve admits. "Do you want them to?" Bucky rests his head against Steve's arm and clutches to his hand. He doesn't know the answer to that question.

"What does this mean?" Bucky asks. "Why do I still....feel this way?"

"It means that the Winter Soldier really did love her" Steve tells him, Bucky looks away. "If it was just sex or comfort or....human contact, then she wouldn't matter to you now...." Bucky swallows slightly. "He loved her, just as you love her" Bucky lets out a breath and then looks at Steve. "Do you want her to leave?" Steve asks him, Bucky shakes his head.

"No" he whispers. Steve sighs a little and then nods.

"Maybe tell her that" Steve offers, Bucky frowns. "Maybe just talk to her, see if there isn't a way for her to stay...." Bucky looks thoughtful as he stares at Steve. "I want you to be happy" Steve promises him. "And if that means you and North are....friends, if that means she stays here....." Bucky looks down and takes a breath before standing.

"I'll talk to her" he admits and walks away tucking his hands into his pockets. Steve rubs his hands over his face; he knows he should feel bad about Bucky having feelings for North, but he doesn't, and that, that he does feel bad about. There is no jealousy, no pain, no hurt....he understands why her, and why Bucky still feels the way he does for her. He wants to help them. He just doesn't know how. He hates seeing Bucky this torn up. Knowing his boyfriend is feeling lost without her around and feeling guilt for still loving her. 

...................

Bucky knocks on North's apartment door before letting himself in. North and Loki are sat on the couch together, talking softly to one another, she looks happy with Loki. Her twin back at her side. Bucky is jealous. He's jealous that he used to have a relationship with her that made her smile, now all he does is make her sad. North sees Bucky in the corner of her eyes and then stiffens where she sits, insecure and confusion swirling in her eyes. Bucky gives her a small smile.

"Can we....talk?" Bucky asks North who glances to Loki for advice.

"It's up to you" Loki whispers to her as he stands. "But I'll be right outside" he walks away knowing that North needs this, she needs closure. They both do. Maybe then they can move on. Bucky clears his throat and rubs the back of his neck as North pulls her knees to her chest.

"Loki said you're leaving" Bucky points out, she nods. "Why?" she looks down and sighs.

"Because I still love you" she admits to him quietly. "And I can't stay here" Bucky drops his hand and his head as tears gather. How many years had he waited for her to say that she loved him, this is not the place, or the time, or the circumstances that he wanted. The Winter Soldier always waited for those three words but they never came. "I thought I was okay with everything" she adds. "But I am not..." she lifts her eyes to his. "I am happy you found someone, you found Steve, that you are happy...." he looks down, filled with guilt, he did...he got all this, he got Steve, and he left her with Hydra. "But I do not wish to stay and watch" Bucky nods a little, he understands this, he wouldn't want to if it was her. "Mother says there is treatment waiting for me back on Asgard, I think it's best that I go" she stands and moves towards him. "Will you tell Steve that I'm thankful for his kindness and his....support?" Bucky nods not looking up at her. She kisses his cheek and then walks away from him, leaving him standing there, leaves him to cry alone. And he does cry. Because he's loosing her all over again. When he looks up, his eyes are cold and calculating. Bucky's no longer in control. The Winter Soldier turns and starts for the door only to find it locked. He frowns and tugs on the handle.

"Sergeant Barnes" Friday's voice states. "I detected a shift in your....circumstances and have locked down this apartment for your own safety. Captain Rogers is on his way. Please remain calm" But he does not. The Winter Soldier is not happy. He is not happy about the woman he loves walking away from him. From them. From this. So he takes his frustrations out on the room around him.