In My Lover's Mind

Separation

Perhaps it was because I went to bed so early, or perhaps it was because I was anxious to see someone who wasn't Samuel, but I found myself waking up very early in the morning. My room was still pretty dark. As I peeked out the window I could barely see the sun starting to rise. It might be a while before Mr. Weston woke up. I had no idea what time Samuel actually went to bed.

Either way, it would be better if I got ready now. I had no clue who would be here today. As I stood, half-naked, in front of the dresser I couldn't help remembering the way Victor snuck into my room that last time. The way he touched me. The memory excited me, then filled me with guilt.

I hadn't even apologized to him yet. How could I be thinking about something like that at a time like this? I sighed and rested my head against the dresser. I couldn't believe it, but I actually missed Victor.

I missed his playful nature, his possessiveness, the way he wasn't afraid to be overly affectionate with me. I missed the mischievous look in his eyes and the impish smile that were so uniquely his. I missed him.

I wanted him back. I wanted to make everything right between us again. I wanted to get back to the joking and playfulness we shared before. I just wasn't sure if it was possible anymore. I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that, even if he did forgive me, things might never go back to the way they were before. I might have lost that Victor forever.

My heart hurt thinking of this. I sighed deeply. Great. Like I needed to start my day feeling this miserable.

Miserable or not, I had a job to do. I finished getting ready and headed downstairs. I could faintly hear the chef preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Mr. Weston usually wasn't up before breakfast, so I probably had an hour or so to myself. What to do with it though?

I went to the living room and sat near the fireplace. The aura was somehow different during the day. At night it felt so cozy, but it felt empty now. I'm not sure if that had anything to do with the time of day though.

Victor's face, laughing and slightly reddened by wine, filled my mind. The way he and Thomas laughed and talked so openly. I'd never seen them so friendly with each other. He looked really happy that night. At least, until I majorly screwed up.

I gave another frustrated sigh and covered my eyes with my hands. God, if I could turn back time. Maybe if I didn't drink so much that night, or if I'd just done what he said and talked with him first, maybe things wouldn't be this way now. Unfortunately, life didn't come with a rewind button.

This thought was interrupted as a pair of warm hands covered my own. As I uncovered my eyes, Mr. Weston smiled down at me from behind the chair.

"Guess who?" He said teasingly.

I tried to do the mental cross-off of personas in my head. It definitely wasn't a new persona. He seemed too comfortable to be Arthur. Besides, the 'guess who' implied he knew about his condition. There was Victor, but... Well, I doubted Victor would smile like that right now. That really only left me with one option.

"Jack?" I said cautiously.

He frowned. "Why did you pick him?"

Dread filled me immediately. Was I wrong? Who else could it be? Victor? Was he smiling because he actually decided to forgive me? Did I majorly fuck up again? He seemed startled by the sudden panic on my face.

"Darling, Darling, I'm joking!" He said quickly. "Yes, it's Jack. It's me."

Relief washed through me in a way I never thought possible. I took some deep breaths to try to calm my racing heart. I felt repressed tears stinging my eyes, I tried to blink them away. His shock turned to full-on regret. He rushed around the chair and placed his hands on my cheeks.