In My Lover's Mind

Effort

Victor stayed quiet all through lunch. I might have worried about that, if it wasn't for the slight smile I could see on his lips the entire time. The faintest traces of blush were still visible on his cheeks. If I didn't know him so well, I might not notice it at all.

He didn't move from the table after he finished eating. I would have asked him about what we should do next, but it seemed like he was deep in thought about something. I didn't want to interrupt him, but I was starting to feel awkward sitting at the table silently like this. Thankfully, I heard him clear his throat.

"So, umm..." He paused. It seemed he still hadn't fully collected his thoughts yet.

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

He nodded but didn't say anything else. He looked uncomfortable for some reason. He kept shifting in his seat. He looked down at the table and started fidgeting with his hands.

"I guess... umm, you... you said something pretty big to me back there," he muttered. The blush grew on his cheeks again.

"Yes?" I asked, trying to lead him to say more.

He shrugged vaguely. "It's just... well, I..."

He paused again. After a minute, he let out a frustrated sigh and rested his head on the table in defeat. I waited for a while, seeing if he would move, but he didn't. I almost felt bad. Whatever he wanted to say was obviously bothering him.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"No," he said, his voice muffled by the table.

"Is it something I can help with or... ?"

He huffed and pushed himself away from the table. He leaned back in his chair, annoyed. He crossed his arms and glared down as if the problem were there in front of him.

I reached over and put my hand on his arm. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"I know I can! I just can't say it for some reason," he said angrily.

"Is it hard to talk about, or-"

"No, it's just embarrassing!" He let out another frustrated sigh. He shook his head as if disappointed in himself. "Look, you said... something important in the lounge earlier. And I didn't exactly say anything to respond to it. I just... I want you to know I'm not not saying it because I don't feel the same. I do. I'm... just having a lot of trouble saying the actual words and junk. So... you know... I-I feel the same way. About you. Okay?"

So that's what was bothering him. He was worried I'd get the wrong idea because he didn't say he loved me back. Honestly, I didn't even think about the fact that he didn't say it. Jack and Arthur said it so often that I was already used to Mr. Weston saying he loved me. It was easy to forget this would be Victor's first time saying it. To anyone, probably.

His face was bright red by now. He looked angry and humiliated. Poor Victor. He'd told me himself. Sex was easy for him, but intimacy was hard. It must have taken all his courage just to say what he said.

"I love you too," I said, giving him a reassuring smile.

He nodded vaguely to acknowledge he'd heard me but didn't say anything else. Again, silence filled the room. Slowly, the blush faded from his cheeks. As it did, he seemed to return to normal. He rested his head on his hand and looked at me. His eyes were pleading.

"Anna, I know you have your stupid rules and everything, but can we please please have something to drink now?" He begged. "It's been a long day."

"You think every day's a long day," I said sternly, crossing my arms.

"In my defense, they all have been since you showed up," he grumbled.