Escape Route (Decode Sequel)

Chapter Thirty Eight - A Love Like War.

Lennon. 

The doctor was talking but I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. My ears were blocking out any sounds, my vision was blurred and my body felt completely defeated. He wouldn’t look at me and that’s what hurt the most. My tears were hitting the fingers laced together on my lap rapidly. My shoulder jerked away from the doctor as he tried to place a reassuring hand on me. Harry’s back was facing me as he sat with his head between his knees on the chair on the opposite side of the room. 

I felt like I was having a panic attack, the room started spinning, the sudden urge to be sick reappeared again. I was shaking intensely and I couldn’t stop it, I didn’t even try to, I couldn’t. My chest was aching as I tried to breathe but air wasn’t going in properly, I choked on any air that did try and enter my lungs. My head was going hot and cold restlessly, the sweat running down my face mixed in with my tears which were still free falling.

And he still wouldn’t look at me. I felt like I was dying and he couldn’t even offer a simple glance at me.

I reached out for him, struggling to say his name through my staggered breaths. I don’t know how my voice sounded or whether any words even came out, but it didn’t make any difference. 

My wavering arms were halted when the doctor strapped an oxygen mask over my head. I still couldn’t breathe properly but it finally felt like air was entering my lungs again. I felt lightheaded, almost wanting to drop off the end of the examination table I had been sitting on for the past twenty minutes. The doctors hands gripped my shoulders at an attempt to calm me down but it only made feel worse. I didn’t want human contact unless it was from Harry. His hands quickly repelled when he noticed my sudden discomfort. 

He was telling me to breathe, trying out different breathing techniques, demonstrating them himself. It was hard to focus on anything though. He blocked my view of Harry in an attempt to help me and though I hated him for it admittedly it began to work. 

He wasn’t Harry, or anywhere close to being what I needed but ten minutes later my body had stopped convulsing and the weird sensation in my ears had disappeared. I had brief flashbacks of the psychopaths putting devices behind my ear drums which didn’t help with the sudden panic attack I just had. When the sound returned to normal there was a sense of relief flooding my body. 

I tried, I really tried to listen as the doctor spoke about treatments that I could try but only one thing stuck in my mind at that point. And I wonder what it meant for Harry and I because of that. We’d never had a sit down chat about having children, neither of us were ready for anything like that but I’d seen him with Evan, he loved him. He was a natural with children and you could just see him being the perfect father one day, but I wouldn’t be able to give him that chance. 

The doctor wrote down on a piece of card another appointment time for another meeting to properly discuss the options we had. For now he scribbled out a prescription for pain medication and handed it to me with sympathetic eyes. I took it in my shaky hands and slowly climbed off the table. 

When Harry stood up his eyes were focused on the wall well above my head and he wasted no time in leaving the room. The great day we were having had suddenly come crashing down, why couldn’t have the doctor have waited until tomorrow? Why couldn’t he had given us one last day of complete happiness before destroying everything.

His face was pale, almost a slightly dull grey colour as he kept his focus on the cars ahead of us. I didn’t know what to say, what could I say to make any of this better? I was just one problem to deal with after another. I could imagine the thoughts running through his head. Will she ever let me just be happy? Is any of this worth it? Has this journey run its time?