Untouched [minsung]

Chapter 90

Later that night after we'd also had dinner and played a few games, we sat around the living room doing nothing important. It felt very normal.

Hyunjin left the group first to get ready for bed. I guess trying to reshape Jeongin's entire worldview was taking a lot out of him. He'd left after lunch to go back and came home just before dinner looking exhausted.

Changbin got up to go to bed next, and I made sure that I gave him a real hug goodnight. No half-assed side hug, no wave down the hallway...a true proper hug good night for my best friend. He probably thought I was being silly or purposelessly sentimental, but he squeezed back anyway with a humorous grunt as he lifted me up and off the ground.

"Love ya, Han," he laughed as he set me down.

"I love you, too," I told him, and he grinned as he went to head off to bed.

With just four of us left, we sat opposite each other. Seungmin and Chan were cuddled up on the couch and Lee Know and I sat on the floor leaning against the ottoman. He had his arm around me, and I was holding his hand that rested on my chest.

"When did you two get together?" I asked pointing between the two of them. I was proud of Chan for having gotten what he wanted by coming out, and I was happy for Seungmin for all of his growth. They looked cute together... so cute that I allowed myself to forget what Seungmin had done to us before.

"Oh we're not together," Seungmin answered. I noticed the way Chan's smile faded when he said it.

"You look like you're together," I argued for Chan's sake. He sat a little taller as I defended what I knew he wanted.

"Maybe one day. I'm just not ready yet," Seungmin explained.

I nodded and Chan took a deep breath as he masked his disappointment with a smile and a hug for Seungmin.

"One day," Chan mumbled towards me with a half smile.

We sipped cocktails that Lee Know made and chatted about nothing for another hour or two. It was peaceful here, a nice place to live. I was glad that our friends had such a nice home and was grateful that Lee Know would have somewhere to go once I was gone.

Chan yawned loudly across from us.

"I think it's my bedtime," he announced and stood up. He held a hand out for Seungmin who took it and stood up as well.

"Goodnight guys," Seungmin waved behind him, and they walked hand-in-hand down the hall together to Seungmin's room.

"Are you ready for bed, too?" Lee Know asked.

"Not yet," I replied.

I laid my head on his shoulder and stared out the window at the backyard that was now illuminated by the moon. Its reflection danced across the water in the pool.

I sat quietly and listened to the night. Even through the window, I could hear the crickets outside creating a soft white noise for the world. Overtaking the crickets, though, was Lee Know's breathing. It was less steady than usual but still smelled like home and honey.

"I love the moon," I whispered. Lee Know reminded me of the moon. He was dark and mysterious, but a constant that I could rely on every single day.

I could feel Lee Know sigh nervously beside me as I smiled up at the moon again.

"It's so beautiful," I continued.

"You're beautiful," Lee Know complimented, and I turned to face him as he stared at me. His eyes shifted from my lips to my gaze. He wet his lips with his tongue and held his breath.

I leaned in for a kiss and he obliged, but I could feel his reluctance. Something was off.

"Is everything okay, Han?" he asked when we pulled away.

"Of course," I mumbled and placed my head back on his shoulder. I was too tired to put on my 'perfect boyfriend' mask right now but too selfish to call it a night.

"Han?" Lee Know began with a shaky voice. I needed to calm him and reassure him.

"Yes, honey?"

"I think we should get married."

My heart stopped.

My stomach dropped.

I turned to face Lee Know who was watching for my reaction with eyes full of anxiety and worry. I'd never even dared to think that far ahead. We hadn't even been dating a year yet, and I knew the plan I had to fulfill would make it impossible to marry him.

"What?" I blanked. My mind went blank as it stumbled through my brain searching for a response.

"I think we should get married," he smiled when he said it this time it was as if he could see our entire future laid out in front of him. His eyes were shining, and he reached down to take my hands in his.

"But we..."

"And before you say that it hasn't been that long or that we're too young," he began, prepared to argue, prepared to fight for us. "We've been through more than most couples ever will, and we don't know that tomorrow is certain. I know that nobody does, but we really don't. This world isn't safe, and I don't want to wait to be happier because anything could happen tomorrow and prevent us from being able to be together. And I want to be together more than anything in the world. I love you. And you're it for me. I'm ready to start my life with you."

Listening to his declaration made my heart swell, and before I could stop it, I was crying. I tried to push away the tears but my nose burned, and they burst through my water ducts anyway.

"Oh, Han are you okay? Do you really not want to get married that badly?"

My hesitation to give an answer had hurt his feelings. His face was warped in hurt.

"I want to. I want to," I assured him.

He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me warmly as I cried.

"I love you," he repeated over and over again as he kissed all around my face.

"I love you," I laughed and sniffled as I received the little pecks.

And I did want to marry Lee Know. If I let myself, I could see what he saw. I wanted to make vows in front of our friends and promise to always get cake with him on Fridays. I wanted to get a house and decorate it with honeybees and lavender. I wanted a kid that we'd spoil who would grow up with too many over-protective uncles. I wanted to get a real job and have him pretend to be mad at me for coming home with surprises for him. I wanted to get more cats and maybe even a dog. I wanted to grow old and sit in our rocking chairs reminiscing about all of the great moments in our lives. I wanted more time. I wanted that life.

But wanting something and being able to do something are two different things...