Forget-me-not

Seungmin

"What are you thinking about?" Lee Know stepped into Seungmin's opened bedroom. His socks slipped across the hardwood floor. He didn't bother to ask for permission, he slipped into the bed beside Seungmin. 

Seungmin was lying on his back staring up at the ceiling lost in his thoughts. He was faintly aware of the dip in his bed, but he didn't pay too much attention to it. Lee Know placed his head into Seungmin's frame of vision. "What are you doing?" 

Seungmin blinked. The floating thoughts dispersed as he shrugged. "Thinking about life, I guess." 

Nobody had bothered to say it out loud, but they knew. Everyone in the band knew Seungmin was dealing with depression. Lately, it seemed like he was starting to lose his voice. Lee Know was afraid he'd lose it entirely. Not when it came to singing, but when it came to being vulnerable with everyone. 

A few nights ago, there was a discussion over what they should have for dinner. I.N and Felix were bickering and arguing. Usually, Seungmin would taunt both of them, but his voice remained silent. He wasn't even paying attention to his surroundings. 

Zoned out, he stared straight ahead blankly at the turned off television. When the guys realized it, I.N and Felix's argument went quiet. Along with Lee Know, the three of them observed Seungmin in silence. It was the first time Lee Know felt an actual chill creep down his spine when it came to Seungmin. 

How could someone so witty and sardonic become so lost? Empty and cold irises stared straight ahead. The sparkle of mischief was long gone. Like a dwindling oil lamp, that brightly burning fire and rich flame was fading. Dimmer and dimmer and dimmer and nobody, not even Seungmin himself, knew what would happen when that flame flickered out. 

Grief was the largest demon that a human could ever face in this life; the stages swept together. The anger and sadness rolled together and became an internal twister. Throw in a little confusion and regret and you have the perfect storm ripping you apart from the inside out. 

"What are you really thinking about?" 

The question funneled around Seungmin's head. What was he thinking about? All the things he should have shared. All the moments he should have captured. He mourned the moments he shared with Cynthia that he had lost over time. 

Memories are flimsy little things. The smaller ones can slip through the cracks and be lost to time forever. He wished he would have taken more photos and videos. He clutched onto every little piece of Cynthia. What else was he supposed to do to nourish this protruding wound of hurt? 

"What if I lose her forever?" Seungmin whispered. "What if she never comes back to me, hyung? Did I waste my time falling in love? I always wanted a pet, but I never got one because I was afraid of becoming too attached only for it to die. I was stupid to think that it'd be different to fall in love with an actual person." 

"Falling in love isn't stupid. Everyone, even the coldest and most dense people out there, want love. There's nothing wrong with wanting that." 

"Maybe it's smart not to get attached to people. In the end, you can't get hurt that way. Nothing can break you if you don't allow it to." 

Lee Know nodded his head and crossed his legs together. "Sure, that's always an option, but how will you grow that way? Loving people is always a risk, but wouldn't you rather share memories of laughter and joy rather than being alone?" He folded his hands in his lap and stared down at Seungmin. 

"When it fades away, you're left miserable." 

"That's true, but they say time heals all wounds for a reason. Sure, it's awful in the beginning, but then life continues. That grief slowly begins to mend and we try again because we owe it to ourselves. We owe it to our loved ones, our deceased pets, we owe it to the things we've lost to pick ourselves back up." 

Seungmin stayed quiet. 

"That's the funny thing about loved ones, they're loved ones for a reason. People and pets alike, smiling faces and swishing tails, they wouldn't want us to mope for too long. You can take time to grieve, as much as you need to, but please don't forget what you still have. You've lost a very large piece of yourself, but you still have family and friends."  

Seungmin shut his eyes to hide the glassiness that was filling them. Lee Know leaned forward and wrapped his hands around one of Seungmin's hands. He rubbed his hands around it to create warmth. 

"If you let this destroy you, you'll forget about the things and people around you. Plants don't grow very well in the shade and without sunlight. People struggle without sunlight too." 

"I don't want to go outside," Seungmin objected. 

"That's not the kind of sunlight I'm referring to. I'm talking about the warmth and affection you experience with others. The kind of people who help cheer you up rather than bring you down. The people who want you to succeed and the ones who want to see you smile and hear your laughter." 

Lee Know patted his hands between Seungmin's. "I'm talking about the people who want to see you bloom. The ones who want your stem to stand tall and see your bright petals flourish." 

"Did you have to use a flower metaphor?" 

"I knew it'd drive my point home." A small smile appeared on Lee Know's face. He let go of Seungmin's hand and pushed himself away from him. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to start dinner. You should come out and help me." 

"And you can't do it yourself because?" 

"Because I might poison your portion, you never know." 

Seungmin opened his eyes and narrowed them at Lee Know. Lee Know grinned and waved at him. It was as if he didn't just give a whole motivational speech. Seungmin sighed and shoved himself up. He didn't mean the words, but he said them anyway. "Hyung, I hate you." 

"Don't worry, that hate is returned right back to you too."