the stars in your eyes | t.s. one shots

clean

okay, hi everybody. i wrote this up today following the recent decision by scotus to overturn roe v wade. this was inspired by my girl fearlesslyfolklore writing a beautiful one shot on the same topic, and also by jo ellen pellman's recent instagram post, where she shared her personal story in a really powerful way. just to be clear: abortion is healthcare, in many instances life-saving healthcare nonetheless, and every person with a uterus should have the right to make their own decisions about how to deal with it. while we are at it: love is love, say gay, black lives matter, ban assault weapons, and trans/nb/gnc people are so so valid. hate will not be tolerated on my profile. i love you all and i'm sending a big hug to anybody who is struggling right now <3

cw: abortion.

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the timer dings. this is it, the moment that could change her life forever. a young woman, afraid and battered. the last few weeks have been hell, and right when she began to see daylight, the warning signs began coming, clear as day. a constant feeling of nausea. acne of the nature that she hasn't dealt with since she was in middle school. a missed period.

she feels her hands begin to shake as she holds the little white stick in her hands. she feels the tears well up in her eyes. the word is there, clear as day, and she doesn't know what to do about it.

PREGNANT.

she knows instantly what she has do. she knows without a shadow of doubt. she just broke up with her boyfriend not yet two weeks ago, and was finally starting to feel okay again. the young singer still has a leg of her tour to do, something that the fans are counting on her for and is going to require her full self and every ounce of energy that she is capable of. she has her whole life ahead of her. she can't bring a child into this world. she isn't ready to be pregnant, and she certainly isn't ready to be a mother.

she takes a deep breath and throws the test into the trash can. she splashes cold water onto her face. she drinks a can of diet coke while she thinks for a moment, deciding if she wants to tell anybody what she's about to do, but ultimately decides that it's her business, and her business only. she doesn't want other opinions on something that is only her choice to make. at that, she ties her keds onto her feet, grabs her car keys, and leaves her nashville apartment.

the drive to the nearest planned parenthood seems to take forever. she only hopes that she will be able to slip inside unrecognized. that the headlines of tomorrow's tabloids won't be sharing her business, her personal healthcare decisions, with the entire world.

inside of the clinic, she's quickly ushered into an examination room. due to her high profile, the secretary was kind enough to allow her to wait there instead of the waiting room. it isn't very long before the doctor comes in.

she listens to the young woman. the doctor trusts her decisions and ensures that it will all be kept private. that nothing will get out and nobody will ever need to know what occurs within the four walls of the examination room.

the procedure is performed and before the young woman knows it, it's all over. she breathes a sigh of relief as she thanks the doctor and leaves the clinic. the doctor's words echo in her head: nobody will ever need to know. she's so thankful for her privacy and thankful for the right that gave her the choice to have the abortion. she's not going to be a mother.

mother.

it feels almost like a dirty word as it rings in her ears. she doesn't know if someday, she may want to be one. she certainly knows that right now, she doesn't want to. moreover, right now, she doesn't have to be.

picking up the broken pieces of herself, she starts her car and drives home, the radio blasting and her windows rolled down. for the first time in a few days, since she first started having the suspicions of her pregnancy, she can finally smile. she hopes that she can finally feel free.

Over the next few days, she is thankful for the control that she has executed over her own body, but something still feels off. she can't get her mind off of what she did. she doesn't regret a single thing- she knows that she made the right choice.

however, she still feels like the same woman that she was a few days ago. the woman who had fallen pregnant at the hands of a man who was no longer in her life and was absolutely terrified and shaken to her core.

she knows what she needs to do- something that she has done many times before. she needs to reinvent herself.

it comes with the nature of her career- she's constantly expected to be bringing something new to the table, musically, emotionally, and physically. her signature curls got looser, and eventually, her hair became straight. she cut her bangs. she went from country to country-pop, from whimsical, fairytale-like imagery in her first two albums to more gritty and heart-wrenching, real life scenarios in her more recent music.

making a change will be refreshing- she was due for one anyway, with her era coming to an end. it will make her feel like a brand new person- one who has control. who won't let anybody tell her what to do with her body... or her hair.

so without a second thought, she grabs a pair of scissors and goes to her bathroom. the clock strikes midnight as she looks in the mirror, pulling her hair into pigtails.

she pulls up a youtube video and watches the steps as she makes the cuts on her hair, starting on her bangs. what was once a blunt bang quickly turns into a swooping side bang. she doesn't stop there, though. she keeps cutting, until her hair falls just above her shoulders.

she has never had this short of hair, but upon looking in the mirror, a smile grows on her face. she likes it.

and just as she had hoped, she feels brand new.

it makes her think about a song that she wrote, just a few days before the positive test. when things were starting to look up again for her, following her breakup.

and by morning, gone was any trace of you, i think i am finally clean.

the lyric rings in her head. with self-reinvention on her mind, she starts to think about all of the music that she has written lately. how it sounds different than anything that she has ever released before.

and she picks up her phone to make a call to her record label.

"hello?"

"hi. it's taylor. listen, about the new album. it's going to be a pop album. it's going to be called 1989. and it's almost entirely written."

"wha- taylor, it's the middle of the night."

"i just wanted to let you know. i'm making my own decisions now. i'm tired of being who everybody wants me to be. and my decision is to release the album that i want to release."

"oh... okay..."

"that's all. goodnight."

she hangs up the phone and smiles. it feels good, to be in control of her own life. of her music, her hair, and her body. that's something that nobody will ever be able to take away from her.