the stars in your eyes | t.s. one shots

associative memories

Taylor's heart starts to beat faster and faster as she starts to think about what's coming. In just over an hour, she'll be taking the stage in New York City for the first night of her folklore and evermore tour. She's never had stage fright of this amplitude before. Every other time, at least she has known that the fans will be right there, singing and dancing their hearts out, supporting her for every step of the way. Even on her reputation tour, when the predictions were that she'd be playing to half empty stadiums, she knew that the audience that was there would be enthusiastic.

This time was different. The songs weren't written with a stadium tour in mind. You can't dance to them like her other songs. But that wasn't even her biggest worry. She was most nervous about the timing of her album release.

"It's called associative memories," she explains to everyone in her dressing room. "It's the phenomenon where you associate music with a certain time in your life, or an event or something. I've always felt it extremely strongly, ever since I was a kid. It's why I can't listen to 'Larger Than Life' by the Backstreet Boys without being transported back to being ten years old and listening to it on the drive home from school after I had a bad day."

Her mom, sitting in a plastic chair by the vanity table where Taylor will soon be doing her makeup, chuckles. "We did listen to that song a lot."

"That's exactly what I mean," Taylor groans.

"So you're saying that you don't think that the fans will be able to separate the music from folklore and evermore with COVID?" Selena asks, sprawled out on the floor with Abi and Blake.

"Yes, exactly, "Taylor nods. " I released these albums in the thick of a brutal pandemic. Lots of those fans probably lost people they love to the disease. What if all that they can think of are those people whose lives were cut too short? Who they miss more than words could ever possibly say?"

"T, it's not like they were actively listening to 'betty' while Grandma died," Abi says with a little chuckle.

"No, no, it isn't like that," Taylor insists. "It's more that the songs were around at the time. Maybe my example was bad... It's more like how I can't listen to... do you know 'Heathens' by Twenty One Pilots? It was always on the radio in 2016, right when I was at my lowest. It hurts too much, even if I wasn't actively listening to the song every time I was sad. It was just always around, so it takes me back to that time."

Joe rubs Taylor's shoulder. He's been snuggling with her on the couch this whole time. "Tay and I have talked about this before, and I experience the same thing."

"Of course you do," Blake rolls her eyes with a laugh. It has become a long-standing joke among the group of friends that Joe is really just a male version of Taylor because the two are so similar.

"Ab, I wouldn't even know how to explain it to somebody who doesn't experience it," Joe continues. "It's like... this feeling washes over you. You're not in your current moment, you're suddenly 13 years old and on holiday with your parents. It's the most random and insignificant moments. You're 9 years old doing your homework at the dinner table, you're 15 and riding the bus to school... stuff like that. You feel it in your chest. And it happens randomly. It doesn't necessarily happen every time you listen to the song, but every now and then, it just suddenly appears."

"Well, is it always bad things?" Abi asks. "Like, can it be tied to good memories?"

"Oh, absolutely," Joe nods. "I can still tell you that Avril Lavigne's 'Complicated' was playing on the radio when we were driving my little brother home from the hospital after he was born. I can't think of anything else when I hear that song. I just picture how tiny he was, how special it was to get to hold him for the first time."

"When Andrea and I started dating, Bryan Adams's 'Summer of '69' was absolutely everywhere," Scott chimes in. "I still think of her every time that I hear it."

Andrea smiles. "I never knew that."

"After I dropped you at home, it played on the radio of that old car that I used to have... remember that old thing?"

She laughs. "I certainly do. I used to sit shotgun and we would drive the backroads singing James Taylor at the tops of our lungs. Those were the days..."

"I think of swimming in my childhood best friend's backyard pool when I hear 'Stop' by the Spice Girls," Blake offers. "We spent that whole summer out there, splashing around. It was our last summer before starting middle school. I don't have a particular memory of listening to the music while we were swimming, but I know it was around all summer."

"So T," Abi says, "if you can have all of these good memories attached to songs, then why do you assume that those fans out there have bad ones attached?"

"What do you mean?" Taylor asks.

"I mean, won't they think of the time that their favorite artist released a surprise album when they all needed it most? Won't they think of how they got to go outside and play their guitars and have picnics with their friends and spend time in nature. How they got to do photo shoots in a forest wearing cardigans and little buns in their hair? How they got to take some time to slow down and reflect on life?" She pauses. "I'm not saying that it was a great time. I think everyone would agree that they wish that lockdowns wouldn't have had to happen, but I'm also saying that there were golden moments. That's exactly what this album was for them, a piece of glitter in the grey."

Blake nods. "Abi's right. I have nothing but amazing memories when I listen to folklore, and I'm sure that all of the fans feel the same way. Why else would they all be out there packing a stadium?"

The room goes quiet for a moment and Taylor realizes that they can already hear the screaming from the stadium. The show hasn't even started yet, and they're already having the time of their lives.

"Don't worry T," Selena grins, "if they aren't excited enough, then we'll hype them up. But I've got a feeling that won't be a problem."

Taylor feels Joe rubbing her arm and she nuzzles her head into his shoulder. "Thanks guys," she says, a smile growing on her face.

"You're gonna kill this tour," Joe tells her.

Everyone else in the room nods in agreement. They know that Taylor's concerts have been long-anticipated and sold out so quickly. Taylor's nerves are from a genuine spot of insecurity; she wants to make sure that everybody has the time of their lives at the show. However, everyone around her knows that there's no need to worry about this. It's going to be the best night for everybody- both Taylor and the audience.

"Now," Joe says, "let's get you ready to go out onstage, hm? Hair and makeup time?"

Taylor nods. "Yeah, I'd better get to that," she laughs. She can hear through the monitor that her opening act is about to go on. That means that she has 45 minutes until it's her turn. Gracie will play a half hour set, then there will be a fifteen minute break before she takes the stage.

She truly can't wait to get back out there. Sure, she's nervous, but Abi's words keep ringing over and over in her head. She brought about some good memories for everyone in a time where there probably weren't too many of those.

And even if that's not the case, she hopes that tonight, she'll be able to form some new associative memories to her albums. Of the time that they all had the best night ever, singing and partying together.

Taylor can't help but smile at that thought. She's going to get to spend her whole summer with amazing crowds, bringing forth lots of new memories that they'll cherish for the rest of their lives. Just like how she will never, ever forget the ride that she has been on with folklore and evermore, two albums that have changed her life forever.

She can't wait to finally get to play them for audiences.