I HATE LOVE

Chapter Nine

Weeks later and today is my fathers birthday. It has been a confusing few weeks. Have not felt like myself for a while. *KNOCK KNOCK* (Alex): Hey. Something on your mind? (Alice): Not entirely sure. I just havent felt like myself in a long time. The only time I recognise myself is when I am angry but it is so exhausting being angry all the time. Which sucks because there are so many things for me to be angry about (Alex): I know you probably dont want to hear it but you dont need to live your life hating love. Its a beautiful thing and I just know you will meet the- (Alice): The one? Please no. You are right, I dont want to hear it. Every time I let myself be open to love, it just turned me inside out in every which way. So, why bother? Anyway, enough about me. We have to focus on father today Alex hugs me and puts a slab of chocolate on my side table before walking out. I cant help but smile. Other than mimosas, champagne, and seafood I also love chocolate. Luckily father asked for a chocolate ganache birthday cake and I can almost imagine the smell all the way from up here in my room. Which of course is impossible due to how far the kitchen is from our bedrooms. Father wanted us to dress up in black or silver and I loved the idea. Probably one of the only things I would ever associate with the L word. Something has been off with me but maybe finishing my project will make me feel better. Except the fact that today is all about father and his birthday. So, the plan would not work today. However, Trish and Dorian are coming to visit and keep me company until an hour before fathers birthday dinner. We are going to relax in my bedroom. It could work as a luxury lounge anyway. There are couches, armchairs, tables and some snacks in here so it works. They walk in with drinks and food. (Trisha): We are here! (Dorian): Hey darl. How are you doing? (Alice): Not entirely alright but I suspect it could have been my lack of sleep lately (Trisha): I know what you mean. I need my sleep or else I will absolutely lose my mind (Dorian): Girl, please. I can fully function at the club on only three hours of sleep. Maybe I am just a special breed (Trisha): Or crazy (Alice): Some of us are just different I guess They exchange looks and hand me a few drinks. (Dorian): Babe, what is going on? Work not going okay? (Alice): Maybe it has been lack of sleep. Maybe work has been exhausting. Or maybe my breakup is just hitting a bit too hard lately (Trisha): How so? (Alice): Something my ex said really bothered me. He asked if torturing him was enough. I spiralled and started to think about all the times in the relationship where nothing I did was ever good enough. Nothing was ever good enough for him to be the better boyfriend or even the good boyfriend. Part of me thinks I deserved it" (Trisha): Heck no! Nobody deserves that at all! (Dorian): You deserve someone who will fight for you and not fight to hurt you As kind of all of that advice seemed to be, it was a long few hours before they finally left. Almost painfully long and dreadful to have dealt with. Once they left, I took a warm shower and got myself dressed up for dinner. Big smile, Alice. Life goes on. At dinner, it seems almost too perfect. Dinner was absolutely wonderful. Father made a speech that almost brought mother to tears and believe me, it takes a lot to get that woman to activate the waterworks. Alex spoke about how inspired he has been by their marriage and how it makes him look forward to getting married even more. Then it hit me like a ton of rocks. That is the actual reason why I have not felt like myself lately. That is why I feel so out of place. Ever since I realised that Alex would be moving out of the castle once he got married, my mind has been struggling to process it. The fear of having to do life without my best friend in the world is more difficult than I thought. After dinner, Alex and I have a heart to heart. I explained to him why I have been feeling off lately and he understood me instead of judging me for it. (Alice): I mean, learning to do life without the guys that I thought were my soulmates was already dreadful and heartbreaking on by itself. But you are my twin. You are as much a part of me as I am a part of you. How do I learn to do life without you? (Alex): Hey. I am not leaving yet. The wedding still has months and months of planning before anything permanent happens. Ill still be here. Dont worry about it cause it is something we have no control over. We should focus on the now and just have hope that things will work out for the best in the future It is not that easy. Through everything that has happened since we have been born, Alex was always there. I was so sure every time that the person I dated was going to be the person that I would be able to spend the rest of my life with so Alex could be happy with somebody else and we would not worry about one another. Now I am going to end up the one he worries about. (Alice): I just dont want to become the burden of a sister who refuses to find the one as you always say. The whole thing of finding someone and trusting them not to ruin my life I cant do that again so I might never be with anyone for the rest of my life (Alex): You dont know that. But I will stop before you get upset because I have enough hope for the both of us. At least you can rest assured that I wont be leaving home anytime soon (Alice): You have another chocolate? (Alex): I already snuck it under your pillow He is right. At least now I can take that weight off my shoulders.