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29 • Hot Confrontation

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Tan

By the time Dominick's motorcycle came to a stop in front of Liberty Ballet, it was five to nine, which meant I was late. Everyone else would already be in the studio, finishing their stretches and stepping into position, and here I was, jumping off a motorcycle and shouting a rushed goodbye to the man I spent the night with. A man who just changed my whole world in one evening.

"I want you to be mine. Whatever that means."

His words had percolated through me, bubbling past any lingering hurt feelings I had about his previous attitude. Being vulnerable was just as hard for him as it was for me, and this, him, this feeling burning inside of me was everything I'd always wanted. To be truly seen and cared for despite all my flaws. Dominick was what I wanted, and everything about last night and this morning had proved that to me.

But that didn't make being with him any easier.

Even though I committed to making room for Dominick in my life, which I really wanted to do, a little voice was already telling me this wouldn't work. He deserved more than what I could give him. Ballet was my longest-running relationship. And even though I was having mixed feelings about that relationship, two decades of work wasn't something I could just walk away from.

Right?

I couldn't just walk away from ballet.

A cool wind blew the fine hairs framing my face around, slowing my steps.

For the first time ever, something inside me pushed back. Yes. Yes, I could walk away from this. If I really wanted to.

A chill rushed down my arms, lifting the fine hairs. A chill that had nothing to do with the arrival of autumn. Was I only thinking this way because of Dominick? Because I wanted to spend more time with my new boyfriend? Being happy and fulfilled was easy, but working as a company ballerina was hard. It required work. Especially if I wanted to be principal one day.

Was I just trying to take the easy road?

That thought scared me more than I wanted to admit, and so I picked up the pace and ran faster, not looking back to watch Dominick zoom off into traffic and pushed open the door to the studio. Swallowing down the hot press of tears that I didn't quite understand.

I couldn't be the girl who got a boyfriend and let her life fall apart.

Music, chatter, and the familiar scent of polished floors brought me back to the familiarity of this place and all the memories I'd made here.

How could I walk away from ballet? Even if some part of me wanted to. I didn't know who I was without ballet, not to mention how would I support myself? I'd built my whole life around this. Around the pain and exhilaration of being the best. I'd fought hard to prove to my parents that I didn't need medicine to be successful. My paycheck as a soloist wasn't a lot, but it was something. I mean, even now, I was supposed to be finding a new roommate so that I could keep affording to live in the city.

Not to mention that I still hadn't told them I hadn't made principal. My parents thought everything in my life was falling into place. When in reality, I was trying to have it all, and the result was that I was coming apart at the seams.

Everything inside of me clenched tight as I raced through the studio, praying that by some act of god, Celeste would be in a different rehearsal space and wouldn't notice me barreling down the hall and tossing my ballet bag into my cubby.

I checked my phone. Three minutes to rehearsal, and I hadn't even laced up my pointe shoes. Thankful for years of practice, I slid my feet in, mentally preparing myself for the pain. Last night, I'd skipped my routine of rolling out my muscles and drinking plenty of tea and water, so the pain was going to be worse.

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