old fashioned • dj&ts

ix. all alone

Eddie was quick to brag about how he and Alexis were able to hide a fling for over a year. As soon as everyone came down for breakfast the next morning, he kissed her in front of everyone. Alexis turned red, not being a fan of public displays of affection, but she let it slide this time around because it made him happy.

The girls were upset that Alexis never told them, but the guys were happy Eddie has been getting laid this whole time and wasn't into guys like they thought he might be when he wasn't sleeping with anyone on tour.

"I didn't want to make a big deal about it until I felt comfortable. I've only ever been in one relationship, and you know how that went," Alexis told the girls. She had told Karen when the three of them stayed up drinking a few nights before Camila found out she was pregnant. They were still the only two who knew. "I didn't want to get into something that would screw up the closest thing to a family I've ever had."

"Nothing can get in the way of what we have here," Camila reassured, squeezing her hand. "At least us girls."

"Agreed," Karen nodded. "Is he a good shag?"

"Karen!" Camila and Alexis laughed at the sudden redirect of the conversation, but then even Camila became curious. "When did you guys start hooking up?"

"That night I took you all dancing, and I wouldn't have done it again if he was a bad shag," Alexis admitted.

"God, I remember when he had a crush on me in Sunday school. It lasted years," Camila chuckled.

"You didn't tell me that." Alexis fell back into her chair, not knowing why this information bothered her so much.

"I think it ended when he saw me with Billy," Camila continued. "He was always so sweet about it, though. I'm happy you two are together."

Alexis didn't respond. She was lost in her thoughts. Did he only want to be with her because he couldn't be with Camila? If Camila left Billy, would Eddie leave for her? Why did she suddenly feel so insecure?

That night after her shower, she dropped her towel and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked at everything; her hair, her chest, her scars, her hips. She never had a problem with her body until now, when she really looked at it. She wasn't cocaine skinny but she wasn't curvy either, she fell in the middle of the two more desired categories. Her scars took away the attention from her pale skin but ruined the parts of her body she was most comfortable with.

"You shouldn't show off for anyone but me," she heard Derek's voice echo in her head. He marked her on her chest, thighs and stomach so she had to hide those parts of her when she went out. No shorts or revealing tops, nothing that would draw attention to the parts of her body he claimed for himself. He convinced her it was romantic and bonded them together for the rest of their lives. She believed it, once. She believed anything he said. After being neglected by her family, she just wanted to be loved. She didn't know what love was; she thought Derek loved her. Derek never loved her. Not really. Not like a human being should be loved. She was loved like a new car or diamond earrings; like property, not a person.

Eddie wasn't like Derek at all. Eddie never hurt her, he never made her do anything she didn't want to do. He admired every part of her and let her know it. She thought she was his, that she finally had someone who would take care of her, but it doesn't feel that way anymore.

She couldn't help but convince herself that every minute of every day Eddie was comparing her to Camila; comparing what he has now to what could have been; wondering what could have happened if Camila never fell in love with Billy.

Her thoughts consumed her mind. She couldn't think of anything else, and she tried. She put on clothes and got in bed, but then she started wondering if Eddie imagines Camila in his bed instead of her.

"Hey," Eddie greeted, deciding to join her for the night. He closed the door and hesitated when Alexis didn't say anything. She had her blanket curled up in her hands and seemed to be staring at a spot on her bed. "Alexis?"

"Are you still in love with Camila?" She asked quietly. He sat next to her.

"What?"

"Are you?"

"No, I'm not," he responded defensively. Why did she ask that question? Does she not trust him? How did she know about his feelings for Camila? Was he even telling the truth?

"Can I sleep by myself tonight?" Her eyes never moved from the spot on her bed. She wouldn't look at him. "I'm not feeling great."

"That's bullshit," he told her. Now she looked at him. "Why are you so worried about Camila? I'm with you. I wouldn't be if I had feelings for someone else, that wouldn't be fair to either of us."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean to make you upset."

He had never seen her like this before. She was acting almost robotic, like she wasn't in control of herself.

"I'm not upset," he told her, gently holding her hands in his. "I don't want you to be upset."

"I'm sorry," she said again. "You can stay."

Maybe sleep will snap her out of it, he thought. Out of what, exactly, he didn't know. He tried kissing her, touching her, anything he could think of, but she didn't react to anything.

"You can keep going, if you want," she said.

"It doesn't seem like you want me to," he responded. Why is she being like this? Why can't he do anything to help her?

"I'm sorry."

Eddie felt defeated. Alexis turned on her side so her back was facing him and she cried herself to sleep thinking she'll never be good enough for anyone. Not for her family, not for Derek, not for Eddie. Maybe she's meant to be alone.