old fashioned • dj&ts

xv. tattoos

At their first tour stop, Daisy was quick to find a piano in the hotel they were staying at that night. They had a couple of hours before the show, so Nicky checked into the room while the two girls closed themselves in the lounge they found in the lobby.

"I want to hear a song that breaks you," Daisy told her. "I want it to be difficult and emotional. I want you to take every fucking ounce of pain and regret and turn it into something beautiful."

Alexis knew exactly what song she wanted to sing. It was a song she started to write about Eddie when he left for their last tour, a song she never intended to be heard. She finished it in rehab, writing down lyrics on a napkin or on her arm as she slowly started to figure out how she felt and what she wanted to say. A song about her past that became her present in the blink of an eye. A song that genuinely broke her.

Billy was standing in the hallway, his back against the closed doors. He followed them, that he will admit. What he would never admit is that he cried on the other side of that door as he listened to Alexis sing. She was great, the song was great, and the pain was real. He felt it, and so did Daisy.

If I'm being honest, when you look at me it's like kissin' a million angels
And every tattoo's so intoxicating from your neck and right down to your ankles
15 and 16, I had to be strong
22, I'm still scared of it all
'Cause I know one day I could wake up and you'll be gone

And I'll just be lonely, missing holding your hand when we're half asleep
Lonely, wishing we'd never kissed in your backseat
And that's what scares me the most
Knowing that you could just let me go
And I'll just be lonely, missing holding your hand when we're half asleep

Getting kinda tired of turnin' pages
I hope you're not the type to pull the same shit
'Cause you could be like everyone I've dated
They don't love me, they just want to see me naked
15 and 16, I had to be strong
22, I'm still scared of it all
'Cause I know one day I could wake up and you'll be gone

And I'll just be lonely, missing holding your hand when we're half asleep
Lonely, wishing we'd never kissed in your backseat
And that's what scares me the most
Knowin' that you could just let me go
And I'll just be lonely, missing holding your hand when we're half asleep

If I'm being honest, when you look at me it's like kissing a million angels
And every tattoo's so intoxicating from your neck and right down to your ankles
But that's what scares me the most
It'll tear me apart when you go

Alexis squeezed her eyes shut as soon as she ended the song, putting her head in her hands while she struggled to accept the pain. She couldn't hide from it anymore, but she felt like it could kill her. Daisy sat next to her on the piano bench and hugged her, letting her cry it out. She tucked her friend's head into her chest and blinked out a few tears herself.

"He left, Daisy," Alexis sobbed quietly. "I hate him. I hate him so much."

"I do, too," Daisy said. While Alexis couldn't do drugs to take away her pain, Daisy still could. Once Alexis was with Billy, she drowned both of their sorrows in wine and cocaine.

Alexis, already tired of being babysat, had to stand in the wings with Rod during the show. She stood where she could see Daisy and Graham, Eddie being hidden by Warren's drum set. That only lasted until the encore, when Eddie came out and played guitar for Daisy's last song. Two Against Three.

Daisy looked at Alexis while she sang the song. She knew this song expressed how both of them felt when it came to relationships, so she sang it to her in hopes that it would bring them both some sense of peace to end the night. Again, Alexis cried. It was hard, having to let herself go and not being able to hide anymore.

That's when Eddie looked at her. She never broke eye contact with Daisy, but he saw her crying. He saw how broken she looked. He knew he was what broke her. He felt overwhelmed with guilt. That night, he read the letter she left him.

I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'm sorry you couldn't trust me.
I'm sorry I couldn't be who you needed me to be.
I'm sorry I have to say goodbye.
I'm sorry I never said I love you.
I'm sorry I ever did.

Eddie stayed in the hotel that night, away from everyone else. He read the letter over and over again until he hated himself as much as she hated him.

I'm sorry I ever loved you.

That what she was telling him. That's what he had to accept. He lost Alexis because of his past love for Camila and his current hatred for Billy; two feelings he couldn't let go of. Two feelings that ruined everything.

"Seriously?" Rod asked, holding the hotel bill up when they checked out the next morning. Eddie left a wreck of a room behind, and he didn't even blink an eye at the consequences. He walked right past Rod and onto the bus, miserable. This didn't keep him from making another mistake.

At the next stop, they were walking through a crowd of fans when a girl pulled on his jacket and kissed him. Already drunk by that afternoon, he kissed back. Alexis, still on the bus, saw it all.

"Where's Alexis?" Billy asked. Rod usually took her backstage from the bus once the crowd died down, but she wasn't there when he went to get her.

"I don't know," Rod admitted. Billy looked at Daisy.

"What do you mean you don't know?" Daisy asked.

"She wasn't on the bus. I checked both, no sign of her," Rod explained. "We'll find her. We won't leave without her, I promise."

"What's going on over here?" Eddie asked, getting the cold shoulder from Daisy and Billy while Rod patted him on the back. "What the fuck, man?"

"Play your damn show and sober up."