Only If I Were Twenty

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

How?

"What? I'm sorry, Secvania. I think I can't make it today. I know I promised pero hindi talaga kita masasamahan. I'm with my girlfriend today. Sorry talaga. Babawi ako next time. Hindi talaga ako puwede sa ngayon," sabi naman niya mula sa kabilang linya.

Suminghap ako. I tried so hard to prevent my tears from falling. "Okay. Sige. Bye. E-enjoy."

I even felt hesitant when I said the last word. Enjoy? Huh? Am I really sincere about that?

Ibinaba ko ang tawag na labag sa loob at hindi man lang siya hinayaang makapag-salita. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin at itanong sa kaniya. Why couldn't he fulfill his promise? He promised to join me today. He said it's all on him. He said that we'll watch a movie after I can buy things. He said...

Muli akong suminghap. I tried my very best to hold my tears but I failed. A traitor one escaped from my right eye.

"Damn it," I cursed as another one followed.

"What now, Secret?" I asked myself, feeling so fucking hopeless. "You have been given a sign that you should stop fantasizing him when they got back together pero ano bang kahibangan ang naisip mo at nagawa mo pang ipagpatuloy ang katangahang iyan? Are you that stupid? Ganoon ka ba kadesperadang makuha siya at kamartyr para hayaang masaktan ng ganito ang sarili mo?" bulyaw ko sa sarili habang nakaharap sa salamin kung saan ako nakatitig sa aking repleksyon. I look like a total mess.

May mga traydor pa ring luha na tumutulo kapag naiisip ko iyon. The thought of him breaking his promise and them being together at this moment, I don't know why but it kills the whole system in me. I felt like my system started to malfunction. Hindi na sumasang-ayon ang puso ko sa mga sinasabi ng utak ko while my mind can't stop thinking about them.

Jealousy? Maybe. Kaso sa lagay kong ito, mahirap magselos lalo na't wala akong karapatan. Ang masaktan, maybe I have the right because it is normal to feel pain having this fucking unrequited love. After all, I still know where am I going to put myself. At wala ako sa tamang lugar para makaramdam ng pagseselos. It's their story, not ours. I should let them be.

"Aren't you done yet?" iritadong tanong ni Carmela.

Umirap ako. "Thank you sa tulog mo, ah? You're really a friend. Nakatulong ka ng malaki. Promise," I said with a sarcastic tone with a wince visible on my face.

Nandito kasi kami ngayon sa mall. Kailangan ko talagang bumili ng mga gamit for our project and I have no choice but to drag this girl with me kahit napipilitan lang siya. I feel sorry for her but since she started nagging me, I guess it's a tie at all.

She also winced at matalim akong tinignan, "Sino ba naman kasi dito ang nagmamahal ng taong hindi naman dapat mahalin? Sino ba kasi dito ang nagmamahal ng taong pag-aari na ng iba? Sino ba kas-"

I didn't let her finish her sentences anymore, "Shut up, please! Will you?" may diin na pakiusap ko sa kaniya.

I turned my gazes back to the coloring materials in front of me. Ayaw kong tumingin kay Carmela because I would probably feel ashamed. She knows how fucked up my love life is. Love life nga ba?

"Whatever, Secvania," she said with a tone of giving up like she can't give me any advices anymore. After all, she is so done with my stupidity. "Pinagsabihan na kita noon pero hindi ka nakinig. I told you not to attach yourself too much with someone who is not so sure about staying in your life."

I felt my face turned red. I'm burning inside. I am burning with anger. How dare her tell me that?

"Bakit? Ikaw ba sigurado kang kaya mong manatili?" I asked na siyang ikinatahimik niya. "You are not sure, too, Carmela. So, don't you ever question my attachment and relationship about trusting other people dahil kahit ikaw na walang kasiguraduhan na manatili sa buhay ko ay nagawa kong pagkatiwalaan."