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Chapter Five: Silas

Freshman Year

This party sucks. It's nothing but drunk morons. Jamie is grinding up against one of Nik's sorority sisters, bailing on me in the process. This will be my first and last college party.

As I walk around, I wonder if I will see Nik here.

I've seen her around campus but haven't talked to her since we started. I haven't had the chance to give her a hard time about being in a sorority. I would have never pegged her for this. She's an easy target for teasing. She gets all riled up. She will slightly squint her eyes, scrunch up her nose. She is so beautiful. I'll do anything to get a reaction from her. To hear her say my name.

I walk upstairs, hoping to find her room. When I don't find her, I go to the back yard.

That's when I see her. There she is. I can tell by her long curly blonde hair. She is in one of her sundresses. She always wears them. It's Florida; it's too hot for jeans. At least that's what she always says.

She is kissing someone. I don't see them from this angle, just their hands in her hair. Other than her one boyfriend, Tyler, she never really dated in high school. I move over to see who this dude is. I'm met with long brown hair. Jean shorts.

It's not a dude. She is kissing a girl.

Is that why she didn't date a lot in high school? Cause she actually likes girls. Does her family know? I didn't, so Jamie must not. I'm one to talk, though. We have more in common than I thought. I'm bi and have never told anyone. I figured if I end up with a girl, it doesn't matter, no need to say anything to my parents. Not that they would care. But every parent wants a traditional life for their kids. 

They stop kissing, and the other girl is saying something. Nik jerks her head back and replies. I can't hear them over the sounds of the party. God, if anyone saw me, I would look like the world's biggest creep watching two girls kissing, hiding while doing it.

The other girl walks away. So, I walk over. She is sitting with her elbows on her knees, hands threaded behind her neck. Hair creates a curtain around her face.

"Hey," I say, startling her.

"What do you want, Si?" I decide to ignore her sass and sit next to her. I take a deep breath before I start speaking.

"I realize I was equally attracted to men and women when I was 12," I say. I'm just as shocked as she is that I'm opening up to her. "I saw you with that girl. I don't know if that was just college experimenting or if you like women. I just... I don't know what I'm saying."

"Does Jamie know?"

"No one does. I was always afraid if my guy friends found out they would assume that means I like them. And I have been too scared to tell my parents."

"Si, why are you telling me this?"

"Because I can connect to you in a way that few others can."

"I'm not experimenting." She says. "She was, which is why I'm upset. I felt like she was leading me on." I know that feeling all too well. "But I'm not a lesbian either. I'm bi as well."

"When did you know?"

"When I was 8... I had a crush on a boy and a girl in our 3rd-grade class. When I got diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, I thought that maybe that was why because of my hormones where all out of whack. But even after I started medication for it, my feelings didn't change. So that's when I told my parents. I haven't told my siblings. Not that it's a secret, really. It's just not something I talk about."