to Kiss a Drug Addict

38. Four Steps Back

Chapter 38

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ROSE'S POV:

Stare.

I stare at my father making himself a sandwich. He doesn't notice and I don't mind me soaking in every feature of his face.

It is him. The color of his eyes are the same. His lips hold the same shape. His face has aged but his essence has stayed the same.

He prepares the sandwich with ingredients I always use, making me wonder if I got the same taste as him.

I smile to myself.

When dad has finished, I help him take a seat at the dining table. After he gets settled, he hungrily bites in.

He holds the sandwich in my direction, "Would you like some?"

I notice scars on his hands.

"Of course I would."

I take a small bite. Somehow it tastes better than any food I had ever eaten.

I continue to look at him as he continues eating. He doesn't comment on my constant staring. In fact, he stares back, smiling every once in a while.

"Help me finish this last bite?" he asks.

I nod.

While I eat, he sighs. His eyes reach every corner of the living room. His brain reconnects past memories with the present.

"I missed this place."

"Is it different?"

"Yes. Except for the curtains, your grandmother has always loved those curtains."

His expression changes out of the blue, as if he's recalled something important. I wait anxiously for his next words.

"How is your grandmother? And Matthew?"

I smile at him. I can tell he's a bit nervous. After all, he's only confronted me. There's two other people that haven't seen him yet. His worries consist of fear towards being rejected.

"Grandma is fine. Matthew is okay. He might need time. He is still very angry."

"He has every right to be. I abandoned you both."

And so the time has come to talk about things I've never had the desired to talk about. A part of me wants to know what was going through his mind when mom left. Why did he leave as well? Why didn't he reject going to the army after everything that happened?

"I was a coward." He answers "I didn't know how to handle your mother leaving us. Then I found out she was. . ."

He stops himself. I continue for him.

"She was dead."

Dad looks at me, a bit baffled that I know about this.

"That's part of the reason I couldn't come back," he continues "I was too hurt."

"If you were trying to protect me by not telling me she was dead, I do have to tell you that was a mistake. I was very upset thinking she was happily forming another family. Because of it I grew very careless. I'm not mad at you for telling Matty and Grandma to not tell me. I just wish I would've known so I wouldn't have had to live with so much . . . resentment."

"I'm sorry." He says.

"It's okay." I reply "Next time you don't know what to do with your feelings, just talk to me or to someone. Don't run away. I don't think I can tolerate another person running away from their problems."