Haven ( Book one )

Fourteen

I had just gotten home. It's been over a week since I had that conversation with Jhayde, Freylin, and Harrison. I still hadn't made up my mind yet. For the past week, I've been staying at a hotel. I just really couldn't be bothered to deal with my mum, but since tomorrow is Christmas Day, I haven't really got a choice. My mum wasn't home though, she was at work. I was very happy about that. I'm not in the mood for her bullshit right now. I don't need baseless excuses about why she lied to me, the point is, she did it. No amount of explanations, changes that. Principal Colstone wasn't a better parent, either. He abandoned his daughter, and even after she came to his school, he still didn't make the effort to try and communicate with me. I would've been more open, if he actually acted like he cared. He hasn't though, he doesn't care, which is fine. I've gone without a father my entire life, I can keep on doing it.

I went upstairs to my room. It was the first time I'd seen it in a while. This room reminds me of how simple life used to be. Now, I look at it, longing for that life, which I no longer have. Everyone completely invalidates my feelings. It doesn't matter what I say, or do. I can't tell people I'm miserable, they'll tell me to 'suck it up.' Because apparently, 'that's life.' But if life is going to be that cruel, is it really worth it?
I don't want to hear a lecture about how 'the future will look brighter, once you take away the darkness.' I don't even know what the darkness is. I don't even know why everything is going wrong for me. So what am I supposed to take away? Myself? Am I the darkness? If so, how do I extract the darkness from within me? I have too many questions, and not enough answers. I just want it to be over.
I was so excited to come back to California, after all, it is my hometown. I hadn't been here in almost a decade. It was so much fun, the first time around. The second time, not so much. I guess things change with age. I didn't expect life to be simple, but I didn't expect it to be this hard either. People like Myles, I'm envious of. He's my brother, but he has everything that I don't. A happy, functional family, parents who actually care about him, not ever having to worry about jobs, because he can just inherit his father's business. His father is also mine. I didn't get any of what I just listed.
I have to make sure that I get perfect grades, so I'm actually capable of finding a job. I was the abandoned child, nothing got left for me. I'm not surprised though, every parent has the favourite. It was never going to be me. Everyone is telling me to 'look on the bright side.' And that there is 'an explanation for everything.' Where is that explanation? Because, all I've heard is bullshit excuses about why I've been lied to, my whole life. Nothing that I've been told is enough of a satisfactory reason, as to why I've been without a father. Apart from the fact that, he chose his other family over mine. And if he wanted to do that, that's absolutely fine. He could've at least called me, he could've at least sent me a birthday card, he could've at least acted like he cared. He didn't do any of that, he just dipped. Never batting an eyelash at me again. And if it wasn't for the fact that I showed up at his school, six months ago, I would still have no clue whatsoever who he was, and he wouldn't have even tried to reach out. So I'm not going to try either, he has sixteen years of making up to do, and he's not even made it to stage one.

It was Christmas morning. I didn't get to see my mum last night, because she came home late from work. She's a doctor, so they're making her work on Christmas Eve. She gets Christmas Day to herself though.
I had just gotten out of bed. I went downstairs, into the living room, and sat on the couch. Just then, I heard a knock on the door. I got up to go and answer, and when I opened the door, I saw that it was June. She hugged me and then she asked "why do you look absolutely fried?" I looked at her and laughed, and then I responded with "boarding school." She came into the house, and went straight to kitchen. She sat down on the high chairs and then she said "tell me about it. I don't mean that in an expression type of way. I'm being dead serious, tell me about it." I took a deep breath and then I said "well basically, when I went to boarding school, it was good. There was absolutely nothing wrong. Until, I found out information that changed my life. I found out that the principal of my school, was my father. My biological father, he also has a son, so I have a brother that I didn't know existed. Not to mention, he knew that I was his daughter, and didn't even bother to make an effort, until I bought it up. A student at my school was murdered, and I'm a main suspect. I'm widely hated by the most popular girl in school, my mum has lied to me for sixteen years, and everyone is trying to tell me how I should deal with this situation, when no one else's situation comes even remotely close to mine. No one understands, but yet, everyone is trying to control it. I want to be able to deal with this by myself, in a way that's best for me, and my mental health. In the space of six months, I went from extremely happy, to not wanting to be here anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't, I can't do this. I can't keep on acting like everything's gonna be okay, especially when I know that it's not. I want it to be over. I just want people to stop treating me like a broken toy. I can very much look after myself, and everyone's out here trying to handle me. I can't be handled, I'm not some fragile little piece of glass, that you have to be careful that you don't drop. I very much know what I'm doing, I know how I'm acting, and I know what I want to do. I really want people to stop trying to control that." June looked at me, and then she asked "do you feel better now?" I nodded, and then I replied with "yeah, I actually do. To say it out loud, makes it so much easier. Everything that has been caved inside of me, has finally come out. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders." June nodded, and then she said "I was trying to get you to rant. You did it, now you feel better. Your head is clear, so now, I'm going to need you to start thinking rationally. Quitting boarding school is not the answer." I looked at her confused, and then I asked "how did you know?" She nodded, and then she responded with "Jhayde called me, Freylin did as well. They knew that if anyone was able to get through to you, that it would be me. Are you out of your mind? Do you know how much your mum pays for you to go to that school? And you're just gonna quit because you're not going through your grace period. You sound unbelievably selfish. You sound like a spoiled, privileged kid who didn't get what they wanted. So they throw a temper tantrum, and they leave. You know that you're the opposite of privileged, you know how much mum has gone through, especially to get you to where you are right now. Just for you to quit when the going gets tough. I've met your dad. Colstone's are not quitters. If you heard the story about how your dad came to open this school, you wouldn't be nearly as ungrateful as you are right now. They both care about you so much. I know it doesn't seem like that, I know you feel lied to, I know you feel betrayed. But, whatever they do, it's in your best interest. Don't ever take that for granted. I hate to say it, but the spoiled, rich kid act, it's not for you. I miss the humble, caring girl I used to know." I looked at her annoyed, and then I said "that girl was a naive ten year old. People change, they grow. They mature. You can't seriously sit here and tell me that you are the same person now, as you were six years ago." She nodded, and then she responded with "I'm not. I've one hundred percent changed. But there's differences between me and you. As I grew up, I became a better, and more understanding person. As you grew up, you became stubborn, selfish, ungrateful, and annoying. I grew up with age, to be a better person. Your grew up with age, to be worst." And then she got up and went upstairs.

That really pissed me off. She knew absolutely nothing about my situation, except what people had told her. She really thought that she could give me a whole speech about what she thinks, that I should do. She told me to rant to her about my problems. I did that, I trusted her, and instead of helping me, and giving me advice that could actually be helpful, she just decided to insult me. This is why I keep everything bottled up, this is why I don't tell anyone anything. No one understands, no one cares. I feel like all of this is a waste of time, everyone is out here trying to convince me to go back to boarding school. Imagine I take the advice, and I actually do go back. What am I supposed to do? what am I coming back to? I don't have anything left for me at that school. I never had anything to begin with. I would've been fine if I never met principal Colstone, or Myles, or any of them. They're amazing people, but they've not changed my life in a way that I would be lost without them. I want to go back to the way my life used to be. Boarding school isn't for me. So starting from next semester, I will be attending Mount Pleasant High. Along with my best friends, Jhayde and Freylin. No one can convince me otherwise. Today is Christmas Day, it's supposed to be a day of celebration. So why do I feel like I've just lost everything? Merry Christmas to me, I guess. I've got no holiday spirit, whatsoever. I'm not in the mood for all of this cheery bullshit. I don't wanna sit here with family that are just going to criticise me, judge me, and lie to me. I would rather be anywhere, but here.

It was later on in the day, I was preparing for Christmas dinner. After that conversation with June, I went back upstairs, to take a nap. I don't think anyone understands how mentally drained I am. Everyone is out here, calling me ungrateful. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of literally everything. Living like this, it's killing me. No one sees my pain, they just see me as this spoiled girl who quits. I wish people would read between the lines. They're not even hard to see. That school is ruining my mental health, and no one cares.