Learning To Love - Jamie Campbell Bower

Feelings

"Nope, nope we're figuring this out."

Jasmine crossed the room and sat on the couch I was sitting on, turning fully to face me, legs crossed, pillow clutched to her chest, her brunette hair spilling over the purple fabric. I was sat on Jasmine's couch in her city flat, a few blocks from mine. We had been best friends since we had become trainee paediatric  nurses at the hospital, and I'd decided her to pay a visit.

"Face me, cross your legs, clutch a pillow."

I do as she says, looking into her chocolatey brown eyes.

"Ok," She clears her throat. "Welcome to Jazzie's feelings counceling. Today we're going to figure out what the hell you're feeling about this special boy."

I giggle. "Ok, let's do this."

"Name, age, personality. Go." Jazz hugs the pillow, eyes bright.

"Jamie, 22, ...a bundle of sunshine."

"Things are looking good. When did you meet? Where?"

"Ummm..." I counted back the weeks mentally. "Just over a month ago, outside our apartment block...he was in his undies." I smile at the memory.

"HIS UNDIES? REALLY?" With that, Jazz flops backwards in peals of laughter. After a moment, she composes herself and sits back up. "That's gold."

"It was gold."

"He's got a nice bod?"

"Bombshell."

"Hmmm..." Jazz scrunches her eyebrows together. "Well, he sounds like a very good candidate for someone like you..." She grabs my hands. "So what's the problem?"

I bite my lip. "I....I dunno. Peter was so perfect and well, you know what happened to him-"

"So you have trust issues with him?"

"Well, no! I don't, I mean, a little bit, but can you blame me?" I take a breath. "The problem is, I don't know if what I'm feeling is what he's feeling."

"What are you feeling."

"He's like sunshine to me. When I'm around him, I'm so much happier, so much more...myself." I shake my head. "He's like a shot of pure happiness, I'm so relaxed around him, too, not like with Peter. Jamie's funny, sarcastic, loving, gentle, sweet... He has the best smile." I trail off.

"Ok ok I get what you're feeling!" Jasmine chuckles. "So, you think he doesn't feel the same way?"

"I guess." I sigh, hugging the pillow.

"And what makes you think that?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing!?"

"He's not doing anything that would inidcate he's turning off me.. he holds my hand, spends time with me..."

"You're doubting yourself."

"Am I?"

"You don't think you're worthy of his love."

I narrowed my eyes. "What!?"

Jazz reached out and grabbed my hand. "I know it sounds like a terrible thing to say, but hear me out. You had a horrible end to your last relationship,  and so you have slight trust issues because you doubt if Peter ever loved you, and here comes this gorgeous, kind, sweet guy that makes you feel incredible, and treats you perfectly. You're having doubts again. I actually don't think this is a  major case of 'does he like me?' I think this is a case of 'can I love him?'. Can you let yourself love him?"

"I..." What Jasmine was saying was true, I was doubting Jamie a bit, but this was more a case of doubting whether I could let myself be in love with him. "I will, I can. If Jamie feels the way I do about him, I can trust him."

"So you are capable of trusting him, being real in this relationship with him."

I paused. Trust wasn't an easy thing to give. "Yes."

"And Heidi, you are capable of being loved. Do you promise to try and accept that?"

"Yes?"

"Then we just have one thing to ponder." Jasmine smirked.

"And that is?"

"Does Jamie like youuuu" Jasmine drawled in a child-like voice.

"I don't knowwww," I mimic Jasmine. "That's why I came to you."

Jasmine clears her throat and cracks her knuckles. "Let's see here, he holds your hand, spends lots of time with you, came to your rescue a few days ago... My crush sensors are tingling, and they're saying that he definitely has a thing for you."

"This conversation sounds like we're 15."

"You came to me."

I blush. "I guess."

"Here's what's going to happen. You're going to go on a date, sometime soon, and you're going to act as open towards him as you can. No more flinching, no more avoiding anything lovey-dovey."

I scoff as Jasmine's use of "lovey dovey".

"I'm serious! You're going to have a cutesy little date, and if he's bursting to tell you how he feels like I think he is, he's going to tell you."

"And then what?" I'm smiling, just a little bit.

"I can't instruct you on everything darling, you can decide." Jazz wiggles her eyebrows at me.

My stomach contracts with butterflies. Jazz reads my expression.

"Don't be nervous bubba," I giggle at her pet name for me, "what happens, happens. It's gonna be fab."

"If you say so." I fiddle with a loose string on the pillow.

"I say so."

And so, two days later, I finally sum up the courage to ask Jamie on a date - the date being a coastal festival Jasmine texted me about - as he left my apartment to catch up with a friend.

"Jamie!"

 He turns, having just made it out my door. "Yes?"

I walk over to him. "There's a festival down the beach this coming weekend..."  I look down at my feet. "Wanna go? With me?" Why was I so nervous to ask him this? I glance at his face. His expression is like I had told him christmas was coming early.

"Of course! I have to go, but we'll talk about this when I get back!"

"Okie dokie." I smile, relieved to have gotten the words out.

Jamie turned to leave again, but paused.

"Heidi?"

"Yes?"

"Was that a date offer?" His mouth was beginning to form a smirk, eyes twinkling.

"Maybe..."

"Hmph. Thought so." The smirk was real now, he looked smug.

"Does that change your answer?"

"Not in the slightest."

******

Things are picking up ;)

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