Learning To Love - Jamie Campbell Bower

Stage Lights

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Even when Peter tried to kill me, I hadn't felt heart ache like this.

It was almost like my heart had broken into tiny jagged pieces that were floating around my chest and slicing at my insides. When I had finally gotten around what on earth happened the night before, all I felt was a strange emptiness and fogginess in my brain.

You stuffed up.

My dreams for the whole weekend and today, Monday, had been haunted by the defeated expression Jamie had worn the last time I'd seen him, piercing blue eyes full or hurt and sadness that managed to suck you into them, make you feel what he felt.

As a result, my sleep had been almost non existent, and I walked around the hospital looking like a zombie.

"You look like one of the patients, walking like that, wearing that expression. What's up?"

It was Jasmine, having returned from her two week work break. She sits down at the lunch table I was currently eating at, and takes my hand. "Heidi, come on. What's wrong? What happened?"

"Jamie happened."

Her eyes widen. "What do you mean? Did he break up with you?"

I think about it. Technically, he hadn't. We'd just had a... fight? It wasn't really a fight - we weren't arguing over something, we just - broke?

I decide to go with "I don't really know what happened."

"Just retell the story, everything I missed."

I oblige, recounting all the way from the festival date (which Jazz happily squealed at) to the infamous movie night disaster.

Once I'm done, Jasmine just looks at me, shocked.

"What do I do?" I ask her.

"Well, do you still want to be with him?"

"Of course I do I-" I stop myself, because I'd responded without even thinking, but it was the truth, I didn't want to finish things with Jamie. "I do." I say.

"Well....we gotta fix it...somehow," says Jazz, fiddling with her fork.

She starts again. "Look, to me, it seems he didn't get to finish what he was saying - he totally bailed out on you, and, chances are, he's mulled over exactly what his problem is, and has effectively calmed down." She looks at me. "And, hopefully you've done exactly the same thing - yes?"

"No?"

"Well, from what we know he doesn't like how...flighty you are, and it's only half your fault. You gotta keep going at it Heidi, I mean, you've achieved a lot, letting yourself trust him and stuff...maybe you just hadn't allowed yourself a break to catch up with it all and...I don't know, got overwhelmed?" She looked at me, chocolate eyes, imploring.

"You know, that sounds about right."

"Oh honey, I'm always right about this stuff."

"Ok keep going, what else?"

"Well, we know roughly what his problem is, but what's yours?"

"Mine?"

"As in, with him. What's the flaw that played a role here."

I stare into the distance. "Well, the fact he didn't even give me a chance to explain myself, or give me a second chance, kinda sucked. I know it seems unreasonable, but I almost felt like too much was expected of me from him, even though it's a normal amount for most girls and stuff - for normal couples to do."