An organised mess

Hello, I'm socially awkward

Hi,

I won't repeat what I said, 

even if I am absolutely positive you didn't hear me the first time. 

I got a ticklish murmur when I noticed I had a notification, 

and re-wrote my comment 6 times,

before I hesitantly pressed send. 

I didn't look at your response till 6 hours later, 

even though I knew you had responded after 10 minutes, 

I was too scared to check your reply. 

As a group conversation flowed smoothly on the table, 

I opened my mouth, 

ready to keep the conversation stirring, 

but I wasn't able,  

I missed my cue. 

As I scratch the skin outside my brain, 

digging inside, 

searching for anything to say, 

I find myself, 

staying uncomfortably quiet, 

hoping I find a way to wrap myself in conversation soon. 

You're being very quiet, 

a comment I've heard all too much, 

to which I will always reply I am fine, 

at least I know how to reply to that. 

That joke I just told, 

I knew it wasn't funny, 

I only laughed because I was nervous, 

in fact, 

I laugh after almost every sentence, 

my nerves are the only joke. 

I keep, 

tripping, tripping, tripping, and tripping some more, 

but tripping over your words, 

only bruises your confidence, 

it only bruises your self-esteem, 

the bruises from my constant trips do not show. 

The more I trip the more  I try, 

and as there bodies edge further and further away from me, 

I wander, 

maybe, 

if saying all my favourite Disney lines, 

all of them in one minute, 

was uninteresting, 

I hadn't been trying, 

I had been tripping. 

When should I speak?

Should I speak at all?

I just don't understand this rhythm, 

I have my own beat.  

I'm loosing track, not following my own feet.