An organised mess

Confessions

Oh I've lied 

I've fibbed and got caught up in riddles 

trying to remember what I said to one 

and what I said to another 

between them I fiddle 

with my curse of empathy 

my curse of trying to please 

and  I wander how so many use the word no, 

with such ease. 

Oh I've been an adulterer 

I've single-handedly made myself the burden in a home 

I've forgotten how my actions effect others 

I still have the secret texts exchanged in my phone

and I remember when the same happened to me

I couldn't believe 

that two friends would do that to me, 

and yet a few years down the line, 

I repeated their actions, elegantly, it was a gentle-breeze. 

Oh I've been unholy 

I only prayed because I thought god owed me  

A sense of entitlement pulsed through me, 

my prayers for forgiveness phony. 

I cried one night and I spoke to the sky, 

I promised I would not repeat my behaviour, 

I lied, 

I repeated the behaviour I promised to stop, 

the very same night, 

feeling no guilt towards the nights eyes,

that had front row seats to witness my lies. 

I kept blaming god for all the things I have seen, 

never once did I look within, 

never once did I think that maybe the problem was me. 

I've sinned more times than I've had supper's

I have betrayed those that I love most, 

I have cursed behind the smile that I portrayed to the host, 

I have played snakes and ladders with the minds of those who got close. 

Oh I've been scheming 

I've created scenes of dramas 

but only made the parts I wanted to be seen, 

be seen, 

I have acted un-bothered, 

when underneath my pale skin, 

I am green.

I have spent money stupidly,  

neglectful of consequence,

and little feeling towards those it will hurt, 

and even when I have been committed, 

sometimes I cannot help but flirt.  

I can be a craftswoman, 

but I am unable to draw, 

I can select my innocent eyes, 

but I can select my bedroom eyes when I want to be a whore. 

Oh I'm an addict,

I am addicted to everything bad, 

I get a subtle pinching in my mind, 

to runaway from my pain, 

whenever I am sad. 

I have not ever had intentions to fix it, 

like energy, 

my addictive behaviors cannot be created, 

nor destroyed, 

once I am finished with one bad habit, 

another will be deployed, 

and believe me when I say, 

I have not cared who my addictions will annoy. 

My gambling, 

it cradles me and whispers of a big win, 

the wine, 

it makes me dance in a confident grin, 

and the weed, 

it soothes my screaming thoughts, 

and the sex, 

it reminds me that actually yes, 

love can be brought. 

Oh I've been an attention seeker, 

I guess everybody wants to be the star of their own show, 

and if I cannot be spoke of because of my success, 

I guess I can be spoke of for other's to gloat. 

They didn't see me then, 

and they still do not see me now, 

but if I throw myself into the front of a moving train, 

chu chu, I will not go unnoticed now. 

Oh I've been tempted

I've been tempted to die, 

I've been tempted to get lost in the shadows of the woods, 

I've been tempted to follow the whispers of the night. 

I'm confessing my sins, 

I am trying to fight, 

it's a social construct, 

how do I know what is wrong and what is right?

I know my own wrong's 

I will keep on admitting them until I am free, 

how can I expect acceptance? 

When I cannot even accept me?