Game of Thrones - One Shots/Imagines: Part Three

Sandor Clegane X Reader- Devil Side

A/N - This chapter is based on the song 'Devil Side' by Foxes. I hope you all enjoy it.

T/W - This chapter includes mention of miscarriage and near death experiences. If this is likely to effect you negatively, please do not read on.

There had been total moments of bliss in your relationship. Days where you had both been completely, utterly joyful, just for the sake of being happy together. In fact, when you had first begun courting, you had found it hard to believe that Sandor could possibly be the brutal creature the other Lords made him out to be. With you, he had been sweet and caring; even though neither of you had ever intended to marry. Even when you were fighting back tooth and claw, resisting the idea of being forced into a wedding you had never wanted, he had attempted to lift your spirits. And then you had settled. You had come to the conclusion that fighting would never make a difference, and that perhaps being with Sandor wouldn't be as bad as you had first thought. 

It wasn't until you had fallen pregnant the first time that Sandor's joy had shifted. Of course, he had been excited. Becoming a father was something he had never known he had wanted, but the moment you had mentioned trying for a baby he had come to the realisation that with you, it felt right. And then you'd gotten sick. Instead of thickening with the child, you had become gaunt, unable to keep down any food that you ate and spending most of the first month vomiting. In truth, when you had admitted to Sandor that you had lost the baby, he had been relieved. It had been killing you from the inside out, and you had been unwilling to do anything about it. 

After that, he'd become distant. You'd gone from spending every free moment together to only seeing him as he crept into your chambers under the cover of darkness, trying not to wake you as he climbed into bed. 

When you did get the chance to see him properly, he would avoid conversation, grunting his answers rather than actually speaking. Perhaps, if you had never known the man he had been before you would have accepted it at face value. He'd always had a reputation for being quiet and unresponsive, but you knew better. 

You stared across the table at him, a firm glare fixed on your face as he kept his focus on the parchment in front of him. "Why are you avoiding me?" The words had left your mouth before you could catch them, falling out into the space between you and sitting there like some dead creature. Your eyes dropped from his face as he looked up at you, focusing on the table top with a concentration that you had usually reserved for your reading. 

"I'm sitting with you now," he murmured, his eyes lingering on your face for a moment before dropping back to the letter in his hands. 

A small sigh slipped out of you. When you had been younger, that sound would have spurred Sandor into action. He would have done everything in his power to figure out what had made you so glum and find some way to cheer you up. But now, he simply continued on with his reading, refusing to look up at you. 

You remained silent as you attempted to figure out exactly when your relationship had fallen into disrepair. He had been fine when you had insisted on moving away from the Capital. He had agreed with no resistance when you had suggested starting a family. He had been elated when you had first told him of your pregnancy. And then you had miscarried, and it was as though his love had disappeared. 

A lump formed in your throat at the thought, your eyes drifting closed as you attempted to push it from your mind. Sandor was many things, but he wasn't cruel. He would never think badly of you for something you couldn't control. "When did you stop loving me?" you finally uttered, drawing his attention back to you. 

Sandor had never looked so terrified in his life. His mouth hung open slightly, unable to come up with anything to say, and his brow furrowed tightly at your question. "I-"

"Was it when I lost the baby?" There were tears brimming in your eyes now, and you had to bite down on your tongue to hold back the sob that wanted to burst out of you.

"Sweetness-"

"Please don't call me that. I can't bare it," you interrupted, shaking your head as you wiped away the wetness pooling in your eyes. "You can't call me that when you can barely stand to look at me." 

Sandor's expression softened at the exact moment that his back tensed, sitting up a little straighter. "Y/N," he started, his voice catching in his throat as he paused. "I still love you-" he trailed off, looking a little lost. There was a moment of silence, one that you refused to break as you continued to watch him. "I thought that maybe if I distanced myself you would decide you didn't want my children." 

Your brow furrowed at his confession, your hands balled up into tiny fists within the skirts of your dress. "I don't understand."

Sandor paused for a moment, releasing a deep breath. "When you got sick, I was terrified," he told you softly, shaking his head. "I don't ever want to see you like that again." 

"And you thought that the best course of action was to push me away?" 

He shrugged slightly, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "I didn't know what else to do. You were so excited at the idea of us having children-" he swallowed deeply. "But if it's going to put your health at risk, I don't want to do it." 

"You need an heir, Sandor-"

"I won't have you dying to fulfil some stupid tradition," he bit out, his face turning stern until you nodded your understanding. "We can take in some orphaned child. Gods know there are enough of them. We could give them a better life and I wouldn't have to risk losing you to do it." 

You nodded, shifting forward slightly to catch his eyes with yours. "In future, you need to tell me these things. I was so scared, Sandor-"

"I'm sorry."

"I thought you hated me, and it was tearing me apart." 

Sandor reached out, his hand coming to cup your cheek in a gentle gesture. "I'm so sorry, Sweetness." 

You nodded again, his rough palm dragging against your skin as a small smile came to your lips. "I forgive you." 

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