Finally Free

44 ~ what if

C A R T E R | life without sophia

That night I fell asleep to the sound of Sophia's soft breathing. Praying to God that it never stops, that it continues forever.

God she was so drunk. She fucking relapsed, and it's my fault.

She did the one thing she swore she would never do. It's all my fault, I let her go when instead I could have driven her home. I feel sick knowing that all I had to do was push a little further to drive her home.

But I let her go.

How could I let this happen?

I don't know if I can handle losing her again. She can't spiral again. Questions fill my mind as I slowly lose consciousness.

Where would she be now if she hadn't moved here?

Where would I be?

Where would we all be?

What would have happened if I had never met Sophia?

What if Eloise had left me but Sophia never moved here?

What if?

✿✿✿

Another night, another night with some random girl in my bed. I just lie there with my head on the pillow, joint in hand. Blowing smoke, inhaling it again. Who knows what time it is. Who the fuck even cares?

The blond next to me stirs awake and I roll my eyes. Just as she gets up I sniffle the remaining coke sitting on my nightstand. "Come back to bed baby, we can have more fun." The blond draws out, her voice hoarse.

I turn to face her, her blond hair a mess, with smeared lip gloss and mascara lines under her eyes.

My hands grip the sides of my dresser, my brow furrowing at her. "Grab your stuff and get the fuck out." I snap and her eyes widen. She quickly hops up and puts on her clothes, muttering things to herself.

I follow her out my door and I see Natalia sitting at the kitchen counter eating a bowl of cereal. The girl, I'm pretty sure her name is Zoe, I don't care too much to find out though.

Zoe, maybe, gives Nat a small smile but Nat just narrows her eyes at her telling her to go with just an expression. She practically runs out the door, slamming it shut.

I let out a low laugh, sitting down across from my sister who just glances down at her cereal. "Good morning sis." My words are slightly slurred but Nat's voice comes in sharp and quick. "Don't talk to me."

I give her a confused look but she just plops her spoon in and out of the bowl, splattering milk everywhere. "Carter it's only 10 am and I know that Eloise broke your heart but you cannot be getting high this early in the morning."

"And you have to stop bringing girls over. I'm tired of seeing them leave half naked everyday." She sighs but when she looks at me and my nonchalant expression because I don't really care and she grimaces.

I don't care about anything.

She stands up abruptly, throwing her bowl into the sink with so much force I'm surprised it doesn't shatter. "Forget it, you're hopeless."

"Where are you going?" I ask as she gathers her things.

"Away from you." She shouts, leaving the same way Zoe did.

Whatever.

I stumble back into my dark room, the lights are off, blinds are shut. There's a left over beer can that I chug the remains of. The minute I hit my bed I fall into a deep sleep, allowing the drugs to fade away as I sleep.