Finally Free

54

S O P H I A | numb

trigger warning: substance abuse

When I was a kid I fell in love with the rain. I remember the day when I learned to love rain vividly. When I was seven, my uncle Grayson, my mother's older brother, took Liam, my younger cousin Amelie, my older cousin Davina, and I out to Montauk to the beach for the weekend. I think it was in July, 2010.

I was lying on the sand with Davina, guessing the shapes of clouds. Liam was building sandcastles with Amelie. It was pretty easy to keep her entertained since she was only four years old.

The sun was hot, everyone around me seemed to enjoy it, but it made me rather uncomfortable. I couldn't get comfortable on the sand, it kept getting in my hair and on the towel.

Eventually the sky darkened, the clouds that were shaped like bunnies and Abraham Lincoln became one dark mass forming above us. Then the rain came. First it was light drizzle then torrential downpour. The cool droplets slapped my face, a big difference from the blinding sun. I heard Liam yelling frustration, Amelie started crying, Davina got mad that the sand and water were mixing in her hair, but me...

I started laughing. I smiled, running out in the rain, letting the water hit my tongue, spinning and running into the ocean. I ignored my uncle when he told me to get back to the beach house.

Liam being the brown noser he's always been, tried dragging me back but I was just giddily laughing, splashing the salt water on him until he got annoyed and ran back into the house. "Come back inside Sophia." Liam whined, his eight year old self always trying to put himself at a higher level than the rest of us. He had the mentality of a saged old man.

"Just enjoy the moment." I shouted back, spinning, a surprisingly wise phrase for someone my age to say, looking back at it.

The rain lasted for about two hours that day. I spent every minute under the droplets, soaking it up until I was cold and shivering. My uncle lectured me when I eventually came back and had the sniffles; but in my mind it was 100% worth it.

Ever since then I would get extremely excited when it would rain and would grab my headphones and just walk around, dance, or sit there. My bare feet would freeze and become numb on the ground every time but I didn't care, it's always been my comfort. Everyone in my family finds it odd that I love rain, they've never understood the pure serotonin it brings me, or brought.

Now the rain pours heavily again, a big way to close out the rain season in Northern California. Instead of going out like I used to, I sit on my bed, just watching it pound heavily. I don't feel excitement, or joy, I don't feel anything when I see the rain. The joy receptors in my brain don't go off, not anymore.

It began to rain once I got home from Carter's house. I can't help but feel that after that argument, our relationship might not be the same for a while. There's too many conversations that I'm too afraid to confront.

My phone is littered with messages from Carter, I don't have the heart to answer them. He saw the pills, those stupid fucking pills. I just kept them there as a security blanket, just to know they're always there if I need them, no one was supposed to know, yet he saw them. Now he doesn't trust me, he said it himself.

Stupid Sophie all alone.

Do you think your family will miss you, you're taking their burden away. Your mom can go back to her thriving law practice, Liam won't have to stress worrying about where you've been, Paige won't have to wake you up from nightmares anymore.

Give in.

You know you'll feel better.

Owen's voice is forever burned into my mind. I know how bad it was to go see him. I keep telling myself that I was doing the right thing, but I've become a master at lying to myself and being in a constant state of denial. My life is just one string of bad decisions, stupid implusive decisions. I'm weak, pathetic, who the fuck could ever love this?