Finally Free

56

S O P H I A | the grace project

"Hey can we talk?" I knock on the frame of Paige's bedroom door. She slowly lifts her head from off her pillow, placing her phone down on her nightstand. Her room matches her mood, all her blinds are shut and with the lights off, it's like a cave. Cans and bottles line the foot of her bed and there are clothes everywhere.

She's been taking this especially hard because I know she blames herself. "Sure." She replies monotonously, her eyes are so cold and empty, she's never had that look before.

I join her on her bed, tossing some of her shirts onto the floor, not that she'll care because they'll just be an addition to the mound forming. Unsure of where to start we sit in uncomfortable silence. She's my sister, we've never had an awkward moment between the two of us... until now.

"Paige you need to stop blaming yourself, none of this is your fault. It's mine." When she doesn't respond with her head hanging low, I use my hand to lift up her chin to face me. I see the tears falling delicately down her cheek.

"I'm just so tired of the secrets in this house. I'm so tired of having to lie for you, because it never ends well."

"And I promise on everything I have that I will never, ever make you do that again." Her head moves from left to right, denying my promise.

"How can I believe you?"
"You might not for a while, and that's okay. I know it will take time to get everyone to trust me again." With every sentence I finish, I can feel her gravitating back to me, causing the hope to return back to my body, inch by inch. Her guard is still up, she won't let it down for a long time. What scares me the most is how much she reminds me of myself. The anger she feels towards herself and the world for not doing better, it's like looking into a mirror.

"When I saw you in Liam's arms, lifeless, so pale, so cold... I couldn't even tell if I was crying or if it was the rain. You were basically dead. How could you do it? Why?"

"I didn't want to Paige-"
"But you still did it, so clearly a part of you wanted to." She raises her voice, pulling back again. I open my mouth to speak but when a mere squeak escapes she continues, "I want the truth, no bullshit."

"Paige, I-"
"Sophia!" She pleads.

"Okay fine! I just wanted it to stop, I didn't care about anything, I just kept hearing him, over and over again." My stomach does backflips as I finally push out the words that I've been too scared to admit to myself.

"So that begs the question; why the fuck did you go there in the first place?"

"I... I really thought it would make a difference."

I really did, but look where that got me.

Paige puts her head in her hands, rubbing her eyes, her hands then cross in front of her, almost like she's praying.

"What's to say that you're not going to do it again, what if you see him again, or Dad? Or anyone who has wronged you in the past?"

"I won't, not again." My tone betrays my words, even I don't believe that.

"Don't you get it? I can't believe that, neither can Mom, neither can Liam. I can't fucking lose you again Sophia, because one of these days it will stick."

"What more do you want me to say Paige? All I can do is leave you these vague promises because I don't know what's going to happen to me."

"I want you to confront the issue, do something about it before it's too late." I didn't even realize we were both yelling at each other, until we both stopped arguing and the room fell eerily silent.