by the sidelines • haechan

twenty five

Tension still remained in the air even after Donghyuck's departure. Haknyeon sighed, turning to me apologetically and said, "He's usually not like this, but what you said really got him good. How'd you even find out?"

I'm guessing he was referring to that last sentence that drove him away, which I sort of regretted saying as well. "I overheard the phone call with his dad. The reason why I took so long to refill my bottle too," I answered monotonously as he heaved out another sigh.

"That's inevitable then. Gosh, he's so touchy on that topic."

I bit my lip bitterly. "No, I was the one who pushed it too far, I shouldn't have said that." I could feel his sympathy just by his gaze, but both of us knew it was already too late. A wave of silence blanketed over us as we stood there, feeling like we should get back to training but at the same time, not having the mood to.

"I'm sorry to ask," Haknyeon raised again as I turned my head, "But what was that whole chunk about you coming here about?" He was struggling to phrase it in a nicer way, taking me a few seconds to figure out what he was trying to say. And when I did, guilt hit me like a bulldozer.

"Oh, about that..." I muttered, causing him to lean in closer with curiosity. Part of me wanted to lie, but I guess I can't hide it from him any longer. Even so, I shouldn't dive that much into detail either, who knows how he'll react.

"All you have to know is that I'm not inexperienced." I could tell by his confused face that I had no choice but to explain more, so I reluctantly continued, "I've competed in many competitions before coming here, that's why Donghyuck recognised me after a while. And though it is true that I came here initially to avoid it, I found myself enjoying the sport again. Gosh, I can't believe I'm telling you this."

I heaved out an exasperated sigh after that breath-long paragraph, though I wasn't entirely sure on that last part. I've never told anyone except Hyojin that I supposedly ran away from Taekwondo and came here, so how did Donghyuck get that point so accurately?

Haknyeon's face was crumpled with multiple emotions that I couldn't read, his silence making me more restless. Eventually, he opened his mouth and said, "But why?"

"Why what?"

"Why fake that you're a newbie? Isn't being a black belt something to be proud of? And you even competed so many times, you're practically known to everyone. What's there to hide?"

Everything. My past. My failure. My incompetency. Everything about that day deserved to be buried under the rug and never to be seen again, meaning everything before that should remain hidden as well. What for be known to everyone when you're just gonna be known for losing to a new face?

But of course, I didn't tell him that.

"I just wanted a new start, one that doesn't involve others judging me by their high expectations." And that was the truth. I may have been seen as overly confident to others, but that's because in this sport, showing any signs of weakness will do critical damage to yourself, both on the mats and mentally, which I realised only after losing my cool during that last match.

No one would know the amount of pressure you get from others once they begin to notice you, and that starts the moment you step onto the podium. Their expectations of you keep getting higher, and that pressure to not let them down forces you to perform well no matter what. And when you do, the whole cycle just repeats itself until you reach perfection, or until you break down.

Haknyeon nodded quietly, either speechless from my absurd reasoning or just out of sympathy. "Well, I get where you're coming from, it's not like Coach Lee doesn't have high expectations of us too, but we must know how to embrace it and use it to our advantage, like what he said."