by the sidelines • haechan

thirty two

The club members lined up excitedly behind the immigration counter, but I couldn't feel the same exhilaration all of them felt. I had missed the training sessions leading up to the day of the competition to make sure my ankle healed as much as possible, but the fear of it breaking loose still haunted me right till this moment. Not only that, we were going to my hometown.

But that wasn't the only thing on my mind.

Standing a few rows in front of me were Haknyeon and Donghyuck, and ever since the last self-training session, I haven't spoken to either of them especially Donghyuck, mainly because I was embarrassed.

During the walk home that same day, my mind was filled with only one thing; how do you expect to defeat others when you can't even conquer yourself? That sentence struck a nerve in my heart, because what right did he have to pinpoint my attitude when he was the one having behavioural issues?

But a thought remained vividly in my head. You lack the willpower to even encourage yourself and depend on others to motivate you. Even though I knew, it still hurts to hear it from someone else's mouth, but was he really my only source of motivation?

At that moment, Donghyuck looked back, our eyes meeting for a brief moment before he diverted them to the front again. But even in that short instance, I could feel sympathy conveyed through his stoic face. You didn't do it for yourself, you did it for others, which was what he meant to imply then, but I was too caught up in my pride and ignorance that I failed to comprehend.

Even now as I walked through the air gate, my ego was trying to get the better of me. He was using you as a stepping stool, it said, the only person you should trust is yourself. But in this case, it was right. Maybe I should stop being so reliant on others' opinions and focus on my own strengths.

Maybe going back to Seoul would revive the ambitious Yoojin who strived at her own will.

---

"Alright, when I announce your names followed by your rooms, come and get your keys at the counter," Coach Lee instructed as he read out from a list in his hand. Great, just when I could use some alone time, I have to room with three others.

"Lee Soobin, Im Junhee, Shin Youn and Sung Yoojin." And just when I thought it couldn't get worse.

"Hi, roommate! It's good to see we can spend more time together now!" Soobin chimed as the four of us entered the elevator, pressing our floor number before turning her attention back to me. "Why haven't you turn up for training lately?"

Before I got to answer, someone beside me beat me to it. "Can't you see the bandage on her ankle?" Youn pointed out, "Funny how she sprained it few days before the competition."

I could tell the other sentence was directed to me, so I couldn't help but explain, "It's an old injury, it got worse after self-training so I took a break." Even without looking, I could tell she was being sceptical from her muted reply, but I guessed she wasn't over our last exchange in the gym so I let her be.

The elevator reached our floor and we dragged our luggage across the quiet hallway all the way to our room near the end. Upon entering, we were greeted by a musty smell of the living room, followed by a blocked view of the town. Yeah, probably not a nice first impression of Seoul, but it got us distracted from our initial topic for a while.

After browsing the sitting area, we piled into the single bedroom simultaneously where two queen beds were arranged at each corner of the room, with a space large enough to fit a picnic mat between them. I set my luggage beside the first bed before Soobin came flying onto the same one. "Dibs on Yoojin and this bed!"