by the sidelines • haechan

thirty eight

I couldn't get over it. Even as I was seated in the stands while the rest of the matches carried on, I couldn't take my mind off the results.

The same feelings from that day came flooding back again, only this time it was much more overwhelming. I felt dejected, but I couldn't cry. I felt frustrated, but I couldn't scream. I felt confused, but I couldn't question. I felt regretful, but I couldn't blame. Or could I?

But what was I regretting actually?

Not doing well? But I've already performed to my best. Could've done better? Yeah, maybe I should train on my balancing. Not living up to others expectations? That could be why I avoided everyone and sat in the corner alone; I don't think I could face anyone from my club, or would I even call it my club?

"Isn't it a little far to watch the tournament from here?" A voice shocked me out of my thoughts as I spotted a familiar figure climbing up the steps to reach me. I ignored his advancement, staring into the distance once again. Another emotion I felt; shame.

"I have an aerial view, what's better?" I answered sarcastically, my eyes not even focused on the red coloured mats in the arena. Donghyuck sat himself down, passing me an energy drink that I couldn't bear to accept, eventually leading him to place it down beside me.

"You don't even know who's fighting down there, what's the point?" he continued in a mocking manner, leading me to scoff with disbelief. I knew he didn't go out of his way to find me just to say that, but I wasn't interested to know his motives either. "Whatever you want to say, say it."

When there was silence between us, I glanced at him sceptically only to realise his attention was back on the mats. Gosh, he's unbelievable. "Aren't you here to say something?" I repeated when my patience had run out. However, he only looked at me with indifference and asked, "Why do you assume that I have something to say?"

His reply made me raise my eyebrows in surprise. "Then why are you here?" I quickly questioned him back as my suspicions heightened.

"To enjoy the aerial view of the arena, of course," he quoted, causing me to scoff again. I can't believe I almost bought that. He turned to me as if expecting my reaction before asking, "Why? Does it make you uncomfortable?"

"Yes, glad you know that. Now go," I snarled, but my quick response only made him smirk. He leaned back on his arms, stretching his legs out to make himself comfortable as he replied, "No."

"No?" I repeated, not because I didn't hear him, but because I couldn't believe what I just heard. "Can't you see you're bothering me?"

"I'm pretty sure I'm not the one bothering you."

"What?" At this point, I wanted to kick him off the step he was sitting on, but his reply made me think twice about it. What is he blabbering about? What else could be bothering me other than- oh, I see.

"Ah, you're here to mock my loss, isn't it? Go on, if that's what you want," I gave in, bracing myself for whatever harsh insults he was gonna throw at me. Nothing better than to rub salt on my wound.

"Gladly," he started with a perked up tone, "Firstly, I told you to pace yourself, but instead you used up all your energy in the first two rounds."

"It's because she kept closing in, I had to counter somehow," I rebutted instinctively, but he shut me off immediately.

"I'm not done. Next, you used that energy on aimless attacks that couldn't score at all. What's the point then?"

"But I did aim..." I muttered with regret. That was another mistake I wished I didn't commit, but it did help me widen the point gap a little. It was a desperate attempt.