A Scorned Woman

24

S A H A R A

I like it when we are a family. I want it to be like this forever. Moments like these- waking up to breakfast made, Jerome and Liam playing a game of soccer made me miss being normal . I had slept in like normal when he was back. He would give me time to rest.

It is hard to explain but you know when something is not forever. You want it to be but- The gut feeling of knowing that one day this to shall end-maybe not in the best of ways.

Hiding in the beautiful Portuguese islands was living in a constant dream state. As much as I enjoyed it, it was not real. The dark cloud over my life was a threat to this life.

The weeks flew by faster this side of the world. We celebrated Liam's birthday with a zoom call with the family. Everyone was overjoyed to us so happy. 

Keeping them away was the hardest. They all wanted to jump on a plane to see us. We couldn't. We couldn't take the risk of disclosing our location. Little things like this made me realise i needed to end this.

Two weeks before, Liam won a poetry contest, trying to explain why he couldn't go to the Disney world prize was excruciating. Watching him give away a spot he had been so keen on was tormenting.

I sat on the boat enjoying my music  watching them fish. The motown wafted softly through the boat. The suns rays bounced off my aviators.

The laughter coming from my boys- mine. Jerome was mine. In all this he had adopted this role of husband and father. He had put himself in my life of danger.

Our relationship romantically was weird- like all the puzzle pieces are there just not put together. We're to busy trying to be safe, to busy trying to be parents, to busy trying to keep our empires thriving. It feels new yet so old.

He hugs me from behind every night as i brush my hair- sometimes helping me detangle while oiling my scalp.

The moments at night when he pulls me closer to him. When he lays my head on his chest running his hand up and down my back. When all I can hear are our heart beats synchronising. Him talking about the what ifs. Allowing myself to indulge in the pretence.

On nights like these-nights like today i wanted to fix it. To fix my life.

"We could have more children, i can imagine a whole army of us running around."

"I can not imagine having enough strength to do that. Labour is no joke mister." His hands still tenderly rise up and down.

"I have always wanted to adopt. Have a huge house with a bunch of children. Having to get a whole bus for evenings out." His hands don't stop as he listens.

"I read this article on the foster system and how it affects children. Most children in the system have experienced some kind of abuse." The room stays silent.

" We can have a soccer field set up in the back and i can teach them to play. Our daughters would be badass... Liam would be a great big brother."

"He would. He really would." The conversation ends there as i drift off into my thoughts. Running away is not a forever type solution.