Undesirable

Chapter 21

I struggled to sleep again last night; a phrase I'm becoming too familiar with. It has been a week since Ana's death, but the horror of it all is still fresh in my memory. Every time I close my eyes, my sister's face appears as if she is literally in front of me, and I'm forced to relive her execution all over again. Fear burns in her eyes, only to be clouded over with the tears pouring out of them. All the aspirations she held for her future, only weeks ago, completely vanished, as she realises what fate holds in store for her. Then the blade drops.

After hours of lying awake in bed, I decide to get up, grab the book off my bedside table and go for a walk. For the first time since I arrived, I leave the bed before Cesare, who sleeps soundly next to me.

A few days ago, I found a spot in the gardens where a huge fountain is located. Its stone edges wiggle up the slope like snakes, and either side a staircase climbs with them, while the water splashes its way down. It's the closest thing I have here that reminds me of the sound of waves back home. I sit down on the fountain edge and read, or daydream about what everyone is up to back in Kephia.

I have no clue if my parents know about Ana's death. They must be sick with dread after over a month of her missing. I wonder who is going to break the news to them. For a second last night, I entertained the idea of asking Cesare if we could travel down one day, so I'd be the one to tell them. An impossible dream. I have only just cut my ties with the Middle Tier, asking to go visit so soon will draw too much suspicion. I just yearn they don't live their lives in hope that she will, one day, return.

Another activity I found to pass the time is inventing ways to kill Queen Octavia and Kanan, getting revenge for Ana's death. They are only thoughts, of course, but I have gotten quite creative with them. My favourite one so far is to have them mauled by my old neighbour's dogs. They were miniature things, but after the small supply of fish that they receive every evening for the past couple of years, I'm positive they would be happy with something else to eat. Plus, Queen Octavia and Kanan's luxurious lifestyle would leave them with a rich aftertaste.

My second is to push them off the very top of their palace's high tower, or better yet, tie them to the inside of one of its bells', and ring them until they are both crushed to death. She did say she wanted blood spilt, after all, why can't it be theirs?

I let my mind drift for a few hours, dozing on and off, but just when I'm about to fall asleep, I hear footsteps walking up the stairs towards me.

"Great minds think alike." Cesare's voice breaks me from my daydreams, causing me to jump. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"No, don't be. I just didn't expect anyone else to be out here, that's all," I assure him.

He stands to the side of me, dressed in black pants and boots, with the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up to his elbows, and holds a book in his hand. I have never seen him look so casual.

"It has been a long time since I was out here," He admits, looking out onto the fountain. A small smile creeps onto his face, like he is recalling an old memory. It is quick to fade. "The truth is, I haven't actually visited a lot of places in the gardens. You would think after living here most of my life, I would have walked every square inch of this place. It's terrible how little of my own estate I've seen."

How he hasn't wanted to explore each nook and cranny of this place was a mystery to me. Whenever I turn a corner, I find a new room I've never been in before. At this point, it's one of the only things that is keeping me sane.

"You are a busy man," I tell him, hoping it would ease his shame, even though it isn't really an excuse. The whole of Kephia could fit in this place five times, at least, and there wasn't a grain of sand back home that I hadn't touched.