Undesirable

Chapter 23

Eliza and I sit chatting for an hour or so, getting to know each other and reminiscing about our lives down on the Middle Tier. She insists that I must visit her villa sometime and that if I ever need anything, to go to her immediately. She was a pleasant distraction from my nerves for tonight, but the second I make it back to the villa, they quickly ignited again in my stomach.

I shift uncomfortably on the end of mine and Cesare's bed, unsure what is the correct position to sit in. I told him to give me a few minutes to get ready before he comes upstairs, allowing me some time to run through my sister's checklist in my mind, and sort out everything that I needed to prepare. I also wanted to calm my nerves as well, but if I told him that, he would just call the whole night off.

Ana told me to look elegant and graceful, two words I have never been able to come to terms with within any aspect of my life, leaving me clueless about how to actually achieve them. As a wedding gift, I received a white and cream nightdress covered in delicate lace, that stops just below my knees. It was supposed to be used on my wedding night, but since we decided to skip that part, tonight is as good as any.

I smooth out the soft material against my legs as I wait, giving my hands something to do instead of fidgeting in my lap. I've taken all the pins out of my hair, letting it rest behind my shoulders, something it hasn't done in a long time. The sight of the split ends makes me want to cringe. I should have asked one of the maids to clean them up before I dismissed them for the night. He probably won't notice, Ana said people tend not to linger on the minor details when their minds are focused on more intimate things.

There is a knock at the door.

I flatten any stray hairs that are poking out on the top of my head, before pushing back my shoulders and straightening my back.

"Come in," I say, making an effort to sound as confident as possible. Ana said that confidence is key, but how anyone can be confident in this situation is a total mystery to me.

Cesare walks into the room demurely, looking as shy as he did when he stood by the fountain this morning. At least I'm not the only uncomfortable party in this, though I'm not sure that makes it much better.

"I, erm..." He stumbles over his words. His eyes flutter around the room, landing everywhere other than on me. This is going to be awkward enough, but more so if we can't even look at each other.

Or maybe it will be better.

Honestly, I don't know what to think. He's the one who has done this before, he should be taking the lead. At least then it would run a bit more smoothly.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this?" He asks again. I don't know how many times I have to tell him that I'm ok with it until he understands how important this is. We don't have much choice in the matter. In all honestly, I just want to get it done and over with, but that's going to be an impossibility if he keeps acting up like this.

"Yes," I reply, anxiously. "Do you?" His expression instantly tells me he doesn't, which isn't very encouraging.

"If it's what you want," He says.

That isn't the answer I'm looking for.

I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. I don't even want to have sex at all. Can we actually go through with something that we are both so against? It might cause more damage than it would if we didn't.

He is right. We need to get to know each other before we do something like this. Maybe then, we will be able to look at the other in the eyes afterwards.

"What are we doing?" I ask, running my hands down my face. "I don't think we could have made things more uncomfortable if you tried."

Ana said these things need to happen naturally; they aren't meant to be scheduled events. Plus, I feel like such an idiot dressed in this lacey material, I just look ridiculous.