Do You Believe In Aliens? [Kylo Ren x Reader]

30- Don't you want to go home?

You sleep uneasily that night. Your dreams are fleeting, never long enough to grasp at, coming and going between fits of consciousness where you stare and the ceiling and will your brain to shut off.

Why are you so restless? Is it the knowledge that Kylo is coming that keeps you up? Or is it the guilt of what you're doing, leading the Resistance into a trap, a place where the First Order will monitor them, where they'll never be truly free. You wonder if the General will ever figure out what you did. Surely she must eventually, but you wish you will never have to see the look on her face, the realisation that you were never her soldier- that you were never her friend.

Kylo. Think about Kylo. You roll over onto your side, feeling the letters shift under your pillow. Kylo is easy to think about, dark hair and amber eyes, skin like fragile porcelain, yet some warm to the touch. You think of how you will greet him, what you'll say- what he'll say. You don't know how exactly he will collect you, will you pretend to be captured? Or will you go to him, willingly, demonstrating the sort of person you really are? Kylo will not mind, you think, picturing his cloak in the breeze, his helmet that will stare at you blankly, gloved hands that might dare to find yours, leather against skin as he takes you back to his ship.

It's all so much. You retrieve his latest letter from under your pillow and go to the window, using the streaks of moonlight to re-read the words. The air is cold, and goosebumps bristle on your skin as you try to picture him writing this. Was he nervous? To admit such things, he must have been. Maybe he was scared Hux would read this, that some officer might find the letter before it reached you. This is a confession. A confession that Kylo is not an emotionless beast, that all his training and fighting and killing has not yet hardened his heart. That despite his mask and his clothes, it Ben Solo beneath them and not Kylo Ren.

Ben Solo. The name feels refreshing on your tongue, it feels right and real and you whisper it into the night. Ben Solo. He was alive, he was writing to you, willing you to say you love him, that he feels something for you too. He never named it, maybe he doesn't know what it is called. But you think it is love. You sit against the wall, beneath the window, holding the letter in your hands. The force hums around you, in the silence you can hear it. Is it upset? Surely it should be, this is not what is supposed to be, but then again maybe it is. It sits on your skin and weaves through you hair, vibrating on your breath. It is with you, within you, and somehow you know that this is fine, that it agrees with you, that you are not wrong.

You go back to your bed and retrieve your notebook and pen. Then you sit back by the window, letting the moonlight illuminate the paper as you write,

Kylo,

I can't wait for you to arrive. It feels like an age since I've seen you, and I miss you.

Of course the Finalizer is my home, how could you think it wasn't? The people on that ship, I might not know them well, but I suppose we're almost family now- Kylo, you're my family now. I still miss Earth, but I've found a new place in the universe, and it's with you. I know we weren't close from the start, that there have been problems between us, but please, don't blame yourself. I know people are hard on you, but you don't have to be hard on yourself too, it's in the past now. I want you, Kylo, all of you. You don't have to hide from me, I want all of it, and I promise to love all of you, even the parts of you that you try not to show. 

I love you,

Y/N

~~~~~~~~

When morning comes, you awake on the floor on your room. The letters sit by your feet, they must have escaped your grasp during the night. You pick them up and put them back in their rightful place before dressing and going to the mess hall for breakfast.

In the corridors, people are up bright and early. They rush to and from, carrying boxes piled up to the ceiling, weaving and winding around each other in some intricate dance. You wonder if something bad has happened, but as you reach the mess hall, the General finds you and pulls you aside.

"I did it," She says, beaming, "We're leaving, tomorrow, to Earth."

"You what?" You look around, people are packing, stuffing things into bags, taking them outside to sit beside their ships.

"There's so much to do! Packing and oh- you have to help me decide where to put the base, it was your idea after-all." She pauses for a moment to be handed something, a small box, "Are you alright? I know, it's sudden, but I was thinking and- and it just felt right. Come on, let's get you some breakfast,"

You nearly slap her hand away when she reaches for your own, "Wait, I- We can't."

The General stares at you. You're not sure why you're so hesitant. This is Earth, your one chance to return, and you're not excited. You're not even remotely happy. Why? You should be running to pack, you would have before. But it's wrong, this is wrong, this isn't what you planned. Organa reaches for your hand again and holds it gently.

"Aren't you excited? You're going home."