Unleashing Chaos

Chapter Forty

JACE

It's been nine hours, fifty-two minutes, and seventeen seconds since Desi climbed into the backseat of that Uber and rode away from me for the last time.

In that time. I've eaten five bowls of peanut butter puff cereal, felt like I was going to vomit, watched two Star Wars movies and I swear I teared up when R2-D2 came on screen since Desi wasn't there to do her "beep-beep-boops." I tried to work on a project for a client, gave up when I realized it was shit, and took a shower so long that the water ran cold. Nothing I do relieves the ache in my chest or makes me feel a semblance of happiness.

I am absolutely one-hundred percent miserable without her. The house is so quiet, so boring without her laughter bouncing off the walls. All I want is her right here next to me so I can reach over and touch her, brush my fingertips over her skin, surprise her with kisses...but she's so far away from me now that I'll never see her again.

It's so fucking depressing.

The only consolation I have is that Cannon will be with her, and even that is a stab to my gut. I am so fucking jealous of him I could spit. But at the same time, I know it's best. It's so confusing that it quite literally hurts my head. I rub my temples and my attention turns to the door as I hear the knob rattle and Cannon walk through the foyer, kicking off his shoes.

I don't even bother to care that they're in the middle of the floor. I don't have the energy.

"Jace? You here?"

"Yeah, man...I'm in the living room," I call.

Cannon walks toward the couch and falls short when his eyes land on me. "Fuck, you look like shit."

"That's exactly the look I was going for today—hammered shit with a side of what the fuck. I'm glad I pulled it off." I can't even bother to add inflection in my sarcastic tone, like everything is too much work.

He drops down on the opposite side of the couch and turns toward me, leaning against the arm. "Desi left already," he says. It's a statement and not a question, and as much as I want to shoot back with a smartass comment, I don't, because I can tell he's actually concerned.

"Yeah, at about nine this morning," I say, leaning my head back against the couch and staring at the ceiling.

Cannon sighs and props his elbows on his knees. "Are you okay, Jace? I know—I know how much she means to you."

"It was just hard to say goodbye, but in my gut, I know it's for the best. I mean look at you." I eye his tailored gray suit and thin black tie. He looks like he just stepped foot off a GQ cover ready to meet his future queen and spend the rest of his life with her. Everything about him is perfect. Hell, if I were into guys, he'd be perfect for me too. "You are the type of guy who was made for the kind of life Desi lives."

Cannon loosens his tie and sits back against the arm of the couch. "She doesn't feel the same way about me as she does about you, though. You have to know that."

"It doesn't matter what she feels for me. She deserves better than I can give her; she deserves someone like you who can bend to her needs. She shouldn't have to wait patiently as I overcome my issues. It could take all eternity for that to happen."

He shakes his head and gets to his feet. "Your issues must be pretty fucking major, dude. For you to give up a woman like Desi..." He blows out a breath that rattles his lips. He paces the room, removing his tie and unbuttoning the top few buttons of his shirt, clearly nervous and flushed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. That was rude; I just consider you a friend, Jace, and I hate to see you miserable like this, and to know I'm leaving you in this state to take what I know you wish you could have. It makes me feel like shit."

"It shouldn't. I made my choices, and I chose the route guaranteed not to leave me heartbroken." Even as I say the words, I know they are a lie. My heart feels anything but whole right now.

I realize as Cannon is pacing around, basically taking his clothes off, that I've never seen him look so uneasy. My eyes flick down to his bare skin where the hint of a tattoo is clearly visible. Huh. All these months he's lived here and I didn't even know he was tatted.

"All the same, I'm sorry, man."

Cannon rushes up the stairs, taking them two at a time. As soon as he is out of sight, I drag my hand over my face. The decision I made was with Desi's best interest at heart. It should give me some peace knowing I did right by her, but it feels so fucking wrong. I haven't felt like such a mess since I returned from the hospital to find Hannah's ring sitting on the counter with a letter saying: Sorry, Jace. I just can't do this.

Hannah wrecked me so badly that I couldn't cope on my own. I turned to Dr. Holloman and he helped me to sort through my emotions and divert my negative energy into my art. He helped me to find purpose and a source of happiness that I controlled.

I pick up my phone and scroll through my contacts. My thumb hovers over Dr. Holloman's name. We cut down my visits to once a month shortly after I started my own business. I was doing better and I needed the extra time for work. We aren't scheduled to meet again for ten days, but I don't think I can wait that long. My life is spiraling out of control, and I need a voice of reason as soon as possible. I press his contact and within minutes, I'm scheduled to meet with him tomorrow. If anyone can help me through this, he can.