I Wish [ManxMan]🦂

DRAY~10

Steve stops in his tracks. And I see it all. I see words running through his head. I see hurt in his eyes but it goes away in a second. And then?

Then I see him take a deep breath. His shoulders slump. I see how defeated he looks. He smiles at me then takes another step back, then turns. His back to me. 

Yet, I see it all.

So I don’t think anymore. I run.

I run to him. And when I reach him, I don't ask for permission. I hug him from behind.

I feel him shaking. Trembling. 

This big man is good at hiding his emotion, but I see it. He tries to move, but I hold tight. Bury my face on his back. Praying. I Hope I will be strong enough for both of us.

I am terrified of what the truth really is. I am terrified to know.

But above all, I am terrified to lose him. Lose this.

I must be crying because his shirt is getting wet by a second.

Steve turns around, looks at me. My eyes are blur but I see him. He is crying or he has been crying. The tears don’t fall like mine, they are just there, lingering in his eyes.

They make him beautiful.

Broken.

He looks at me for a moment then nods to a person beside me. Then that person holds my hand. I turn to see its Carter but when I look back, Steve is nowhere to be seen.

What does it feel like?

“It feels like I am dying.” The words escape me like a hurricane. “why do I feel so listless and empty?”

“because you like him,” Carter says.

“Carter, I feel strange. I think I am sick. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to be in this fucking wedding. Strangely, I feel weightless. Sleepy.”

“babe.” Carter calls my nickname.

“I think part of me is broken. I feel like something is pressing on my heart. It feels so frustrating, and it makes me sad. What should I do?” my voice breaks. I hear it.  My tears fall, I don’t stop them.

I can cry in front of Carter. “what should I do? I think I truly like him, even with everything he has done. I really like him Carter. What should I do? Am I that twisted?”

I don't shout. Don’t scream. I just cry silently. Letting My Fears fall. Let my heart bleed.

What should I do now? 

“come here.” He then hugs me. I love his hugs. He is warm just like his brother. 

“carter.”

“yes babe.”

“I don’t want to be here anymore.I want to go back home and forget everything.”

“What do you mean? You want to forget me too? What about Steve?”

“Carter, no matter what Natalia or others say about Steve, about me and how strange this situation is, I still like him. I liked the protectiveness he puts on me. I like how it makes me feel at home. I like  how he makes me feel like I could fall in love with him and stay in love with him for many years to come. I liked how he did everything to make me smile, it was fun and it made me happy. But then I hate it. I hate it so much because now I like him and this situation doesn’t make me happy at all. I don’t want to love him only to lose him. I don’t want to deceive myself anymore. I don’t want to play this game of love anymore. I don’t want to do anything but just be in his arms. What should I do now carter?” 

Carter doesn’t let go as I cry on his shoulder. I keep promising I won't cry anymore but I do just that.

He doesn’t say anything and lets me vent. I could have cried for hours, or minutes. He didn’t push me, just let me be in his arms. 

After  a long silence, he looks at me. Rub my tears with his fingers then smile. “ I don’t have all the answers, but I can give you some. Do that. You are not obligated to be at this wedding. No one is forcing you. And when it comes to my brother, the only thing you should do is talk to him. Tell him what you told me and  see what he says. Ask him these questions because only he has the answers.” He rubs circles on my back to sooth me.

“I can see he is having a  hard time too. But he won't say it out loud. Was this why?” 

“shouldering someone's pain is not an easy thing to do. Especially more so if you are close to them. I know from experience. You did it with Weston, look where that got you. Steve knows that, which must be why he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

“did he…did he once loved Weston?”

“you mean, did he rape him? Was he obsessed with him?”

His words cut deep. I close my eyes from the impact.

"Yes." Carter answers.

“what? And… how is Natalia in all this, how is everything related?”

“you still don’t get it do you?” I have never seen Carter acting this way. Angry. Almost pissed. Yet standing still. Iike he has done this so many times. 

Maybe he did. It must have been hard being the brother of a rapist. You defend him for sometime and then, then you let reality kick in. 

“Drayton,” he says. This is the first time he said it. It feels different, like he too is done with me. With everything going on. “What is Steve to you exactly?” he asks. Angry now.

“what?”

“Answer me.”

“At first, he was just cool. Saved me from my guilt. My shame. Then he was passionate with me. Intimate. Loving. Almost like he has known me for so long. Making me wish he was mine.”

“and now?”

“now…I need him. Now I need to stop his world from spinning like he did mine. Now I don’t want to lose him. I want to stay by his side. I want to know his demons like I know his angels. I want to embrace every bit of him. And…I want him to start over with me. I wish we could start over. I want to help him. To the best of my abilities, I want to love him and only him for the rest of my life.”

I didn’t know I could tear my heart open for anyone. And now I have done it for Steve. For a man who has more demons than angels. And yet he smiles like an angel.

“I can see you are ready to look into Stephen's past.” Carter says. Gone is the anger in his eyes. Hope is replaced in his eyes and one more thing. An emotion I can't decipher. Fear. 

But why?

“I sincerely hope you can handle it. Or more importantly, I hope he can handle it.”