I Wish [ManxMan]🦂

STEVE ~19

My place is the last place where I thought I would find Dray, but also, knowing him, he wouldn’t leave without making sure Carter was okay.

I take a breath as I approach my brother. He is seated at the swing. Our old swing. There are so many memories here. 

“letters. You wrote letters to everyone  else but me. You spoke to him but me.” He is calm. Too calm to my liking. “Why him?” Carter asks. 

At the corner, out of the back door, Jace appears.

“carter. It's not that. I had-,”

“Even if you had your reasons. Even if you hated me. But that’s not right.” He cuts Jace off without looking at him. his words, his face directed at me. “ It's so selfish of you. You haven’t contacted me for the last 10 years. And now, you come back as if nothing ever happened."

“carte-,” Jace tries again but fails.

“I knew everything all along but I stayed strong. I thought maybe you will reach out to me. Maybe my time will come. I worked hard. Harder. I beat myself everyday wishing I could hear from you. Then I find out you have been talking to him. Him among all things. Among all people.” He looks at Jace for the first time since he cut him off. His expression is betrayal. Then he turns back to me, “You should have been honest with me. Just one letter. One phone call even to tell me you don’t want to speak to me. That I am no longer your brother. I could understand that.”

“carter pleas-,”

“just SHUT UP. Just don’t say a thing right now jace. I was miserable thinking how long I should keep pretending. And when should I end this show? But I still felt bad because you just got back. And you were happy. You had drayton and everything is okay. I felt worse because I saw how you were trying so hard to put your life together and start over. but you,” he turns to jace. Walking closer to his face. “Why would you write to my brother? Why would you speak for me? Do you feel sorry for me? Or what is it? Did you think you would do just one more charity work…since you have been merciful all along? I told you to stay away from me, from my family and you made that decision a long time ago, what? Did you want to look like a good person? Is that it? You think this will fix everything?”

In a blink of an eye, Jace shouted. His fist mid-air. Ready to punch carter. Then in the same blink of an eye, the fist turns to him. He punch himself. Hard. 

Carter flinchs. Jace  groans.  Tears filling his eyes

“yes. I did it because I wanted forgiveness. I did it because I felt sorry for you. That’s why I stayed close to you. That’s why I… oh for fucks sake carter. Are you happy now?  I know I deserve that after everything I kept you through. But how? Just how long will you hurt me like this? How long will you punish me like this?"

I stand  there not knowing what to do. I messed up. I know. I should have contacted my brother. I should have said something. Instead, Jace was the one I spoke to. Jace who persisted. Jace who wanted to make things right with my brother. Jace who fucked up in so many ways.

Who looked lost and was ready to damage his future.

I wanted to help. Deep down I knew my brother was strong. Stronger than he looks. I wasn't worried about him. 

But I guess I was wrong. Seeing him breaking down right now, I know I was wrong.

These years didn’t destroy me alone. Some people were affected too. People like carter. 

“It's okay. I am glad you are back. Welcome home," Carter says and off he leaves. Jace wants  to run after him but I stop him.

“Let me go talk to him. I need to fix this.” I say

Jace looks at me. Unsure of what to say. He knows nothing can be fixed. Especially what he wants the most. 

“it will be okay, ” 

“We both know that doesn’t count when it comes to me and him.” He says and off he goes the other direction.

I take a minute. Gather the courage to face the storm. And off I go to make one more thing right. I just hope it's not too late.

***

I find him sitting in an old tree. It used to be our hiding place. Especially at night when he wanted to sneak out.

He would hide behind this big tree to avoid my father.
Our favorite place when we were growing up.

“You didn’t come to see me when you got out. You came for drayton.  Even when I beat myself to death, you wouldn’t see my pain, just him. You didn’t fight for your innocence even when I fought for you. I destroyed the best thing I had with the man I love, because I felt guilt. Even though I missed you to death, I persevered through it. But, only I was happy to see you. I am so hurt that you don’t see it. Compared to when you left, I am sadder now.” He cries

I bring him in my arms and hug my little brother as he sobs. 

“ I know I was wrong. I am sorry for not speaking up sooner. I-I am so-sorry.” He says between sobs.

I could say a thousand words to make this situation better. But I realize I don’t need them. He doesn’t need to hear them. 

I look within me. Searching for the reason why I did what I did. Coming up with none. So I opened  my mouth and I told him the truth. “I never really thought about that. I knew you would be okay and I wanted you to be okay for mom and dad. That’s why I stayed silent. But now I know that wasn’t a very good idea. I should have called. I should have written to you and told you I missed you. I should have told you how much of  a good job you were doing keeping this family together. And for that, I am deeply sorry.”

I should have fought harder. He is right. He is my family. I should have done all that.

He stays in my arms for a moment then withdraws. He rubs his tears. It's then I see it. What he was talking about.

That he was pretending to be okay with everything. Instead he was hurting.

“I hurt me when I hurt you, remember?” 

He smiles. That was  our motto. We keep each other safe. And like that, we loved each other. Life went on.

“Yes, I hurt you when I hurt me.” He answers. 

Everything is okay.

It is okay.

He nudges my shoulder. Saying without words. It is okay. I see it in his eyes. 

“You did good. I am proud of you.” I tell him. “Thank you for protecting this family when I was gone. Thank you for growing up so fast and filling the shoes that weren’t supposed to be yours. Thank you for holding on to me, even when I didn’t deserve it.”

I take a beat. Thinking about what I should say next. But he has to hear them.

“And thank you for protecting Dray, even when it hurt you.”

He looks aside then back at me. “No,” he says, ”that was one of the things that never hurt me. I love Dray, and thanks to you, I managed to make sure he doesn’t get hurt. He is a catch, just so you know.” 

“Hey,” I raise my hand, he runs a few steps. “He is mine. I am here now.”

Carter is laughing now. Shaking his head like I am insane. I am glad he is smiling. It makes me wonder how much I have missed.

Carter has changed. Physically. Emotionally and mentally. Ten years ago, he wouldn’t let it go easily. But now, he seems to understand. 

I think of Jace and everything he told me throughout the years. Will it ever be okay between them? I don’t pry. I don’t ask. When  he is ready, we will talk about it. And I will do everything in my power to fix it.

To make his wish  come true. Like mine did.

But for now, I laugh with my brother as he gives me the rundown of our small town. The little gossip of what happened when I was gone. And in my heart, I am glad I am back. 

I am happy to be home.