you can't help but become the sun / julien baker

chapter thirty-nine

Maggie's Pov:
---------------------------

I knew I shouldn't have been looking at the comments, I knew it was wrong of me but I couldn't help myself. The apartment was dead silent, I muffled my sobs with my hand as I continued to read.

While Julien's statement helped a little, people were still relentlessly coming for every little part of me. I turned the disabler off on my phone, putting in Julien's birthday as the password.

I scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled until my trance broke at the sound of my ringtone. How did she know?

How do I hide the fact that I've been crying over facetime? I quickly got myself together as much as possible then answered the call, propping up my phone on one of my many pillows.

"Hey," I weakly smiled, grabbing another pillow and wrapping my arms around it. As much as I tried to put on a brave face, I was hurt and she could see that.

"You looked at the comments, didn't you?" she asked, Julien had gotten really good at reading my emotions so there was no point in hiding from her.

"I know that was the one thing I shouldn't have done, but Julien some of the things they're saying about me. It's awful," I felt the back of my throat burn again as I fought back tears.

She had this look on her face, it wasn't quite disappointment but it was close to it. I felt my eyes well up with tears again, I thought I had gotten past my childish thoughts about myself.

"Oh, Maggie, don't cry," Julien's voice was calm, I wanted her here with me more than anything. "We both know what they're saying isn't true."

"It's hard to believe that when thousands of people are telling you the same thing," most comments were directed at my physical appearance. I quickly wiped away the tears that fell. "Like there are things that are totally bonkers, like that Fallon's my kid and I'm forcing you to parent her with me but the stuff about my body. I'm starting to think they're right."

"Darling, they are so far from the truth. Every little part of you is perfect. I've seen your body and I've felt your frame, there isn't a part of it I would change. When you wear something that shows off your curves, my brain short circuits, I wish I could show you how much I love your body right now."

"You say that, but what happens when you meet someone new on tour? Someone who's better looking or someone who lives closer to you?"

I could see her facial expressions morph into disgust. Julien is the most expressive person I know, you could tell exactly what she was feeling by the look on her face.

"That's not gonna happen, I don't want anyone else. I am completely committed and happy in our relationship. Sure, the distance is draining and it sucks at times but I believe you're the one for me."

I began to cry harder, hearing her say that meant the world to me. She always knew the exact things to say at every moment.

"I love you, Maggie. I wish I could take away the pain you feel, I wish I could hold you," she bit her bottom lip.

"I love you too," I collected myself. I hated crying in front of her. "I wish you were here, will you stay on call with me? I don't think I'll be able to sleep without you."

"Of course, do you want me to sing?" Julien asked as we plugged in our phones and placed them on our nightstands.

"If it's not too much trouble," I turn over on my side, watching my girlfriend as she grabs her guitar, along with a tuner and a capo.

As she tuned her guitar, she asked, "What do you want me to sing tonight?"

I thought about it for a few seconds, and a shy smile stretched across my face, "Can you sing 'Lover' by Taylor Swift?"

Julien flashed me one of her beautiful smiles, moving the capo to whatever fret she chose, "Of course, I can."

She sounded beautiful, from the beginning until I fell asleep. She's the one I wanna spend the rest of my life with.

---------------------------

a/n: I just decided to update a day earlier, angst is what I do best so I hope this was a good chapter.

-A