you can't help but become the sun / julien baker

chapters fifty-six

Maggie's Pov:
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Changing was supposed to be the easiest part of today, but it wasn't. It started out fine, I changed my undergarments, then put on a new shirt. The issue on the table was my pants.

I put one leg in at a time, and as I stretched the fabric I couldn't get it to close. These are brand new, how can they already be too small?

"No! No! No! No! Please fit! Please button up!" I begged as I continued to try and get them across my stomach to button.

Tears sprung in my eyes as I broke down on the ground, my hands harshly grabbing at the roots of my hair, then my stomach. Flashbacks started back to when my body really started changing, words that people spoke years ago and recently flooded back to me and swept me away.

My mind was blank, I couldn't think for myself and I couldn't register how quiet or how loud I was being. Tears soaked my lightly colored shirt as they fell off my cheeks. I couldn't breathe very well, I felt lightheaded.

"Hey, love? Do you want breakfast? I know you don't normally eat in the mornings but we should start doing that ag-" Julien walked into our room, before stopping in her tracks when she saw the state I was in.

Julien ran over to me, dropping to her knees. I was shaking as she gently placed her hands on me to accumulate my body to touch before she pulled me into a hug. I wept into her chest, my arms wrapping around her.

"I-I hate my body," I sobbed. I took one of my hands off of her body and placed it back on my torso, pushing my fingernails into my skin.

"Don't do that, don't hurt yourself," she grabbed my hand and held it in hers. "You can cry and scream and do what you need to do but I will not tolerate you hurting yourself. Can you breathe with me?" Julien guided me through breathing exercises.

She didn't stop until I'd calmed down, she wiped my tears with her tattooed hand. "I'm sorry," I whispered, embarrassed that she had to see me in that state.

"It's alright, what happened? If you don't mind me asking," she moved as close to me as possible, leaning her head on my shoulder.

"These pants are brand new and they don't fit, I guess it just triggered a bunch of memories about my body. I get that my body isn't like yours or Tina's or Chloé's but sometimes I wish it was. I hate my body more than anything," I removed my limbs from Julien's body and wrapped them around my tummy.

"Oh, honey. Alright, c'mon, stand up!" Julien stood up, holding her hand out to help me up.

"Where are we going?" I asked, taking her hand and standing up. I followed her to the bathroom, she let go of my hand and shut the door.

"Can I take this off?" Her hands fiddled with the bottom of my shirt. My nervous expression was painted all over my face, and she waited until I made up my mind.

"You can take it off," I whispered. I was face to face with what I hated, my eyes trailing up and down the front half of my body. "It's disgusting."

"I couldn't disagree more, look at these pretty curves," both her hands trailed where my defined curves were. "I love your chest and your tummy too. Why hate something that's so beautiful?"

I turned around so I couldn't see my body in the mirror. "How can you possibly like this? How doesn't it disgust you?"

"Because you're beautiful, you're healthy," Julien moved in front of me. She started off by kissing my lips, then my cheek, then my jaw. My neck was next, followed by my collarbone, then right before where my chest started. "You are perfect, I'll tell you that every day till you believe me," her kisses trailed down until she pressed a bunch of pecks onto my stomach.

"Obviously, I can't just change my mind about myself immediately, but eventually my view of myself will match the one that you have about me," my cheeks were a crimson color. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, do you still wanna go to the store with me? We don't have to, I could just go if you're not feeling up to it," she handed my shirt back to me.

"I'll go, I need to find new pants but I guess I'll go," I shrugged, slipping my shirt back onto my body.

"You don't have to, don't feel like I'm pressuring you into coming. I'll be really fast. I'm like a man when I go into a store, I get there, pick up exactly what I need, and then I get the hell outta there!" the words that came out of her mouth were one hundred percent true so it made me giggle.

"I believe you, I really do!" I grabbed her hand as we walked back to her room. "I'll go, can you go into the dresser and find a pair of sweatpants?"

She was compliant, finding an old pair, and handed them to me. I quickly discarded the jeans and changed into the pants that fit. After I changed, I walked over to Julien. Her big eyes adoringly gazed at me while I grabbed her hands. "You're the one for me," I whispered as I pressed a kiss on her knuckles.

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a/n: When I wrote this chapter, I went to go slip on my favorite pair of pants but they were too small because I'd gained weight. I think chapters like these are important because they showcase through the writing that even though you could be in an incredibly healthy relationship, you can still have struggles.

It's been months after the pants ordeal and I still am incredibly insecure about my body. I hope this was well written, since this is based on real events in my life.

-A