eclipsed nova (UTM Feysand)

10

Somehow, I ended up once again being face-to-face with the roaring black water that seemed to drive endlessly underneath Amarantha's court. Huffing, I sat down close enough to see, but not close enough to make me afraid of falling in, crossing my legs under me. It'd been so long since I'd felt okay. None of this was okay.

I buried my head in my hands and took several deep breaths, willing a calm into my nerves. I listened to the rush of the water, smelled the wet rock, and paid attention to everything except myself. I dropped my palms from my face to feel the hardness of the ground beneath me. I counted my breaths as I did, connecting each new number with a new thing I'd picked up with my senses. Elain always called it grounding. She said that we are never as in tune with the Earth as we need to be.

Oh, Elain. How I missed my sisters. I knew Nesta would care for her, and had never doubted her ability to do so. My sister was fierce in a way I'd always envied. She had a strength and stubbornness hefty enough to lift this burden. If it were Nesta in my place, she likely would have already killed Amarantha, just out of pure spite. But Elain had always been sheltered from the harshness of life by the two of us. We'd shouldered her weight to salvage what little innocence there was among the three of us.

I closed my eyes with a hum, picturing them in my mind. Elain was likely tending to her garden, hands cut up and sliced by the thorns. She refused to wear gloves. When she connected to nature, she wanted to truly connect. Nesta was likely sat on the porch, watching her closely, but giving her space. She likely had her nose buried in some book she'd scavenged. It filled a small crack in my chest, picturing them happy and healthy.

"What are you doing?" A booming voice said behind me and my heart leapt into my throat. I gasped, spinning to see who had come up behind me while I'd been so immersed in my daydreaming. What I saw was the last thing I'd expected.

Tamlin stood before me, green eyes vibrant through the gold of his mask. He was clothed in his usual green velvet, bits of his chiseled chest showing underneath the fabric. I jumped up and threw my arms around him, sighing into his chest as tears once again fell. It seemed like all I knew how to do anymore was cry. I inhaled the familiarity of his scent, and nearly went to my knees over it. He'd come. He'd finally come.

But he was stiff underneath my touch. Unfamiliar, even. Something about him felt... off. Different. He didn't evoke the same warmth from me he used to. No, my chest was dormant and cold. Cobwebs had formed around my heart and extinguished my feelings for him, snuffing them out like a single flame.

"What are you doing, Feyre?" He said again, stepping back from me. I sniffed, brushing my hair back and out of my eyes as I studied him. He looked the same. Smelled the same, too. What was so different?

"I just needed space to think," I huffed, gesturing to the water behind me.

"You shouldn't be out here all alone," he reprimanded, and it stoked the flame of anger I hadn't even realized I'd still been carrying around.

"And just who exactly am I supposed to have with me?" I scoffed, throwing my hands up in exasperation. "I am alone, Tamlin. You discarded me like I meant nothing."

"You don't understand," he growled lowly, under his breath.

"What do I not understand?" I shouted, my voice breaking slightly.

"Amarantha, she-"

"Gods, I am so sick of hearing that bitch's name," I laughed humorlessly. "What, you love her now?" Tamlin stiffened like he'd been struck.

"No," he shook his head. "I love you, Feyre."

"You've got a funny way of showing it," I said, turning to look back at the water. I chewed my lip. His hand wrapped around my upper arm, dragging and spinning me simultaneously. He pulled my chest against his, wrapping his arms around me like shields. He bent down, pressing his mouth to mine with crushing force. I gasped against his mouth, taking a few moments before I melted, kissing him back.