eclipsed nova (UTM Feysand)

34: Rhysand's POV

I stared out at Velaris from the roof of the House of Wind, needing a moment to myself to get my head back to normal. I had been going in and out of emotional numbness, my good moments mainly being the ones I spent with Feyre where she managed to make me feel sane again. She was my rock, and I genuinely think I would have fallen through the cracks and disappeared had she not been holding my hand in those first few days back here.

Amarantha hadn't disappeared like I'd prayed to the Cauldron she would. She still haunted me every time I closed my eyes. It was like a plague. I couldn't shake her no matter how hard I tried. I did my best to keep Feyre none the wiser, but she'd started to pick up on my turmoil. I hated that she had to see me in such a weak state. I wanted to be more- better- for her.

I was shocked out of my own thoughts by the sound of gigantic wings beating against the chilled air before both Azriel and Cassian landed on the roof, sitting on either side of me. They always seemed to innately know when I needed them. They always had.

"We figured you might want some company," Azriel said hesitantly. I looked at him, knowing how much pain was likely obviously reflected back to him. Azriel had a way about him that made it easy to be vulnerable. He'd been through so much himself and had a quiet sort of compassion to him.

"Just had a lot on my mind," I said quietly.

"Will you talk to us about it?" Cassian asked, pulling his knees up toward his chest, but not making it very far due to the sheer size of his body.

"I keep having nightmares," I admitted with a rough swallow, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. "I can't sleep."

"Not even with Feyre?" Az asked.

"She definitely helps, but I hate letting her see how much pain I'm really in. She has enough trauma of her own to handle."

"It seems to me like Feyre is the kind of strong that can be there for you too, if you'll let her," Az suggested softly. "She loves you, and that is so clear to everyone with eyes. Nothing you tell her will make her see you any differently. Just as it is with us."

"We're just happy you're home," Cass nodded.

"I've never felt more pathetic than I did under that mountain," I scoffed.

"Then talk to us about it," Cass said.

"It's hard to," I admitted, looking at them both for a moment before my eyes focused back on the beautiful warm, twinkling lights of Velaris. I'd missed this place so much more than I'd ever allowed myself to feel. I decided in that moment that I wouldn't allow Amarantha to steal anything more from me. She only had this power over me because I let her. "She forced me to be her lackey in more ways than one. I had to slaughter so many innocent people that I lost count. I stopped seeing their faces because I had to dissociate so hard to be able to do any of it. Then she... she liked my body, I guess. She decided that was hers as well as my morals and dignity. I tried everything I could think of to keep her hands off of me, but it was all useless in the end."