Let's start with the title, which is good because even I didn't know that a woman knight is called a knightess. when you put virgin in the title it immediately suggests your story to be mature, also good if it is, but it is cliche; a lot of books on Wattpad have the word virgin in their title meaning it literally for their main character or not. In my personal opinion, I would lose it or think of a synonym for it in the title.
Your blurb/description confirms the mature theme of your book, great! But there are grammar and punctuation mistakes you should fix so your new readers take a faster interest in your book. First impressions matter.
As I read I noticed your grammar went back and forth from past tense to present tense in sentences, that's confusing but most writers struggle with the same thing. Nice job on the fight scene.
You have to remember to separate dialogue, the readers have to be able to know who is talking at all times. Since the first chapter, I noticed that there are few descriptive words for the places, things, and people. I want to know what the areas the characters are in look like (rustic, vibrant, elegant, etc.) It will help make chapters longer as well as separate the dialogue.
Flashbacks are sometimes difficult to make, without basically saying it before it starts. I suggest making all the words in italics. Or I would 100% proofread it to make sure it is all in past tense so everyone knows it has happened already and maybe add in a certain time or more in a sentence.
(Ex: I knew it from the day we first met...We had some good times back when we had our parents dress us...When I was only allowed to stay awake past eight at night.)
Since it was confusing to see when the flashback had ended without the word *current* there. And this is just me as a person, but I didn't like the capitalization of words in paragraphs, that are not dialogue. I feel it to be unnecessary but to each their own.
What is most needed in your story is proofreading and descriptions, it is hard to tell when the character moves from place to place, and setting new scenes is so important to improve your story. Overall the plot is thought out and I like love triangles so I enjoyed that starting. You have a book with potential, it's a fantasy genre set in a kingdom with a good main character, and because it has a modern feel to their personalities.
-Empress🐧
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Reviews from the Empire
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