Buried Ashes (MxM)

27- New Normal

Liam

The weeks that followed Luca's funeral were miserable. Hell, even.

I had to adjust to a new life with two new mates. Though it was painful with them, it would be unbearable without them.

Ben is the sweetest; constantly tending to me. I had grown closer to him, yet somehow farther from Jackson. He has always been my best friend. I didn't understand how, but this made it more difficult to grow close to him as my mate.

Currently, I sat in the bathtub, my legs drawn up to my chest, and my arms wrapped around my knees. I was silent as Ben tended to me, as he always does. My eyes stared forward in a daze as he poured water over my back while kneeling on the floor. I was mostly silent these days, staying in somewhat of a zombified state. He must have been used to this by now, and that hurt my heart.

Ben knew that if he didn't insist on helping me take care of myself, I wouldn't. I made myself look presentable for my Amelia, but only cared about the bare minimum. 

I hadn't seen Griffin much since the funeral, and he still did not know of my mates. He stayed with his mates at Rowan's home. Neither of us could bare the thought of walking into our home that was covered in Luca's personality. His smell. His things. Him.

"Alright, we've got to get you dried off now before you get cold," Ben's soft voice interrupted my thoughts. I stood, met with a large towel in Ben's arms. He enveloped me in it as I stepped out. Once I was dry, Ben handed my clothes to me and walked out of the bathroom to retrieve something. I quickly dressed myself in the comfortable clothes.

Ben returned, holding a tube of lotion in his hands. 

"Don't want your skin to get too dry," he whispered as he dispensed it into his hand and began smoothing his hands over my arms. It was entirely too much, yes. This level of care was something I did not need, but I didn't turn him away. His touch felt so nice on my skin, I would come up with any excuse just to feel it.

Soon, his hands moved to my face as he began to smooth the substance into my cheeks, and jaw. I couldn't help but close my eyes. 

It was as if everything hurt. My entire body, and Ben's touch was the only remedy I had found. He was the source of any sense of okay I felt. His small, soft hands dulled the fire inside of me with every pat, caress, and embrace.

I leaned into his touch, and inhaled his sweet scent. He left his hand there, gently caressing my face as I reveled in his touch. I opened my eyes and looked down into his stunning blue orbs as he stared up at me.

"Jackson should have the kids asleep by now. You tired?" he asked me. I shook my head. "Well, you need the rest," Ben told me before grabbing my hand and leading me out of the bathroom. We walked toward Max's large nursery. Upon opening the doors, Max was sound asleep in his crib. Jackson held Amelia as he rocked in the rocking chair, though her eyes were wide open as she rested her head on his chest. I walked toward the pair, Amelia noticing me immediately.

"Dada!" she greeted me with grabby hands. I shushed her and took her from Jackson, her small arms wrapping around my neck.

"I couldn't get her to sleep. I think she just wants you," Jackson whispered as he stood up. I nodded.

"Thank you, Jackson," I murmured.

With my seventeen month old daughter in my arms, I walked out of the nursery and toward the guest room she and I were staying in. It was just down the hall from the nursery, and Ben and Jackson's bedroom.

I opened the door, and turned the lamp on with a sigh. Sitting on the king sized bed, I leaned against the headboard. Amelia snuggled me happily.

"Dada," she said, looking up at me with a smile.

"Mellie," I responded with a smile of my own, smoothing her hair away from her face. "Ready to go night night?" 

Amelia shook her head, and giggled. As if my question were simply preposterous.

"Umma?" she asked. Her smile never faded, but mine dropped.

I had done my best to explain death to her, and tried to connect that with what happened to Luca. She was just too young to fully understand it yet, I suppose. She had asked about her Umma a few times, but I was usually able to divert her attention elsewhere. I caressed her cheek with my thumb.

"Heaven, remember? Remember what Dada told you?" I asked her softly. Her eyebrows creased.

"Umma. Umma night night," she responded. I knew what she meant. She wanted Luca to kiss her goodnight, as he always had.

"Dada can give you night night kisses, see?" I asked before peppering her small face in kisses. She erupted in giggles at this, but soon pushed me away.

"Umma, Dada!" she exclaimed. It was beginning to tear away at my broken heart.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry, he's not here," I whispered to her, praying she would drop it. Her face scrunched in frustration.

"Umma!!" she proclaimed, smacking my chest gently.

"Shh, let's get some sleep, okay? Cuddle with Dada?" She shook her head, tears beginning to brim her eyes that looked too much like Luca's.

"Umma! Umma!" she began to yell as the tears slipped from her eyes.

I was taken aback by her behavior, and wasn't sure how to respond. So I remained silent. This only fueled her frustration.

"Want Umma!!" she yelled as sobs began to wrack her body. Tears of my own began to stream down my face as my baby broke my heart even more with her cries.

"I'm sorry, baby. I can't bring him back, I'm sorry," I whispered.

Her fit continued, and Ben and Jackson must have heard her cries as Ben was soon entering the room. Jackson stood at the door frame.

"Here, give her to me. Take a break," Ben assured me as he took my daughter into his own arms. I walked toward the door as he soothed her, and sat on the floor right outside of the door. Jackson sat next to me, leaning against the wall.

My tears didn't stop, as the pain didn't stop. Ben seemed much more successful in calming Amelia. He had that soothing, feminine grace that I was just not capable of. It was what Luca had, as well. That similarity between her Umma and Ben must have been what soothed Amelia.

I dropped my head into my hands.

"I can't even calm my daughter," I whispered as the tears dropped on the floor. Jackson rubbed my back in soothing circles.

"It's alright, Liam. It will just take time," he responded. 

It hurt so much. I couldn't take my daughter's frustration from her. I couldn't make her understand Luca is not coming back. I couldn't soothe her.

There was a deep ache in my chest that seemed to grow stronger. I needed my mate. I needed that soothing touch I can only get from my mate. Jackson and I hadn't so much as brushed our hands against each other, but I didn't care. I needed him, or else this fire on the inside would swallow me whole.

Slowly, I leaned against Jackson's shoulder. He seemed taken aback for only a moment before wrapping his arm around me, squeezing me tight. His heartbeat seemed to lull me as I rested my head on him.

I hadn't realized I had fallen asleep until I woke.

My eyes adjusted to the darkness before I looked to my right, seeing Jackson lying in the bed next to me. And to my right, seeing Ben lying on his back with Amelia snuggled up on top of him. A small grin crept it's way to the surface at the adorable sight.

With a sigh, I plopped my head back onto my pillow and closed my eyes.

With time, this will become our new normal.