No Cure For Curiosity (boyxboy)

12*What's Going On*

I've been sitting in my car for a long time crying. I don't want to move, or talk, or breathe for that matter. I want to be by myself and wallow in my hurt. That's all I can feel terrible pain and remorse. The pang in my heart from the words Evan had said to me. The regret in my mind from the slander I spoke to him. As much as I want this nightmare to end, I blame myself for letting it go on so long. I should have seen it coming. I was a fool to think that after a year of comfortably not coming out, some miracle would happen.

For the next week or so, I idle through life. I don't live like I usually would. I don't smile. I don't cry all the time. I'm just here all the time. I let the crowd swallow me instead of standing out. Time seems irrelevant. It doesn't help; nor does it really hurt the situation. I'm not sure anything can really make it much worse than it already feels.

I know they say 'you don't know what you have until it's gone' or some stupid shit. I disagree with that statement completely. I knew exactly what I had and how much I loved him. I knew exactly how I felt in his arms. I knew that I couldn't help but smile every time I was in his presence. The only thing that I know now that I didn't before is how dependent on him I was. I didn't realize that my every thought and decision centered around him.

I used to go to school to see his face. Now I avoid our lunch table by going to the library or meeting Lyn in the quad. I used to go to work to make money for us to go on a date. Going to work now is just a chore that I have to do to get to the next tiresome day. Even when I'm sitting at home, I worry about my brother's best friend showing up.

It's Sunday early evening and I'm waking from one of my all too frequent naps. It's just another way I cope with life now, avoidance. If I'm asleep, no one bothers me. People have been pretty good about letting me do what I want or rather not pester me about the thing I don't want to do. The only thing I am required to do out of request from mom is family dinner.

I could smell the meal as soon as I woke up. Even though it smells great, I'm not really hungry. Not that that's actually surprising to me.

Turning over in bed, I grab my phone off the nightstand. I send a text to my brother asking if dinner's done yet. I know he's home because Sunday's were recently declared family days. Or rather, a day that we can't go anywhere, usually Tabby and Lyn are here too.

Don's the one that found me in my car over a week ago coming home from Evan's. I had sat there for hours balling. I had missed work and he was coming home from his job. He saw me as he walked into the house and came running over. After reassuring him that I wasn't physically hurt, he pulled me into a hug and I explained everything that happen. The only thing he doesn't know about the situation is the name of my now ex.

My phone buzzes breaking me out of my reverie, No, but come down to The Cove.

I rebuttal in response and let my arms give out beside me.

There's a knock on my door a few minutes later. I don't want anyone in my room so I stay quiet. This only causes more knocking.

"What?" I yell at the person on the other side.

My twin comes through my door trailed by Fred. "Get up," Don demands.

"Not happening," I reply.

"Get up or Fred and I will make you get up," my brother tries again.

I stare at him as a challenge. I know they will eventually come over and pick me up if I don't stand on my own, but I'm just too tired to get out of bed by myself.

"Ah, come on man. Just get your pale ass outta bed," Fred throws his arms to his side. "I don't feel like taking you all the way down there. People are waiting."