F*** Cancer, This One Did Us All In.

32

"Theodore." Mfundo said, Amelia  and him walking to me as I sat at the back of the hospital, as far away from everybody else as possible.

"Do I deserve to be here?" I asked before he could get another word out.

"What are you talking about?" Amelia asked as she moved in to sit next to me on the bench. "Of course you do."

"How can you say that?" I asked as Mfundo sat next to me.

"We know you." He said. "Theodore, you made a mistake -"

"That got a man killed."

"You were just trying to complete your mission." Amelia softly said.

"How do you know that? How do you know it wasn't for my own selfish reasons?"

"Was it?" She asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know."

Yes you do.

"Theodore." Amelia said as she combed her fingers through her hair.

"Come on." I said. "How can you guys think I'm the victim in this scenario? Jacob is dead because of me. I'm the bad guy."

"You couldn't have known that was going to happen." Mfundo said.

"I don't think I cared." I said. "I - I just wanted to do something useful."

"What are you talking about?" Amelia asked. "You are useful."

"Pfft, tell that to Jacob."

"It was a mistake." Mfundo said, as if he was trying to reinforce that in my head. But it wasn't going to work. I wasn't going to be fooled again.

Jacob was dead. I - killed him.

I thought about my nightmare. The one where the flesh-eaters came running from the darkness and every time I shot one I killed someone close to me. Everyone around me would get hurt. Because I couldn't kill. No, I wouldn't kill.

I was a parasite. Everything I touched eventually died. Mrs Hobkins. Connor. No legs girl. Jacob. I didn't want that to happen with anyone else. I didn't want that to happen to them. To my friends.

That was when I made up my mind. But, looking at Amelia and Mfundo, I knew I couldn't tell them. They would talk me out of it and, even worse, I would listen. Then I would just hurt them.

"I think this is the same bench we sat on when we first came here." Amelia said.

I looked around and realised she was right. We were in the same bench where Amelia had freaked out and yelled at Lucius. The garden was still peaceful, I realised that. It was late in the afternoon (I'd say around four or five) and that had given it this beautiful glow. I felt my nerves calm as I looked around, trying to imprint this into my head one last time.

"What do you think they're going to say?" I asked. Not that it mattered, since I had already made up my mind, but I still asked.

"You're going to stay, Theodore." Amelia said.

I decided to not respond to that. "But what do you think they're going to say?"

"Daniel said he'll try his best." Mfundo said.

I gave up trying. I realised my friends weren't going to accept the plain, obvious truth. They seemed to be obstinate on the fact that I wasn't going anywhere. Even though I more likely was than wasn't. Even though I more definitely was than wasn't.

"Hey, do you remember the first time Mfundo and I met you, Amelia?" I asked.

She smiled. "Yeah, weren't you guys doing some stupid bet or something?"