Oh My...

35.) Don't Care

"You don't even try," he said to me, disgust ringing in his tone. "You never did. I can see that now. It's like you don't care about anything."

My stomach churned, but I kept a neutral expression. How was I suppose to admit that he was right? I knew he wanted an argument--some sort of reassurance that I wasn't truly this awful of a person--but I couldn't come up with one. We stood in a crushing silence.

I watched as he cracked his knuckles and sighed. "I'm leaving you."

Earlier

I shoveled another fork of vegetables lo mein and stuffed it in my mouth. We only received our food a fee minutes ago, and already I was halfway down my lo mein and popping general's chicken into my mouth like it was popcorn. I didn't realize how hungry I was until the food was actually sitting in front of me, and now I couldn't stop eating.

Sabelle was staring at me as I ate my food in the least graceful way possible. "It's like you haven't ate in days."

"I haven't." I replied through a mouth full of Chinese.

Sabelle put a fork piled with white rice in her mouth. Chewing thoughtfully, she asked: "So, you're eighteen?" Her tone sounded unconvinced.

I finished off my general's chicken. "Yup. My birthday was like two weeks ago on Halloween."

An uncomfortable expression passed over her face. "Halloween was nearly a month ago."

I dropped my fork, and it was clattering on the floor. "What?"

"Thanksgiving is in two weeks, Alex."

That overwhelming feeling of regret came over me, and I tried to backtrack the last few weeks. Everyday, I woke up and went to the dark building it get high and buy drugs, and then I go home when Claire is already asleep and get high some more. It's easy to lose yourself and the sense of time in the everlasting cycle.

I couldn't help but think about Marshall. The last time I saw him was only a few days after the party. I've been thinking its only been two weeks since then, but apparently it's been almost a month.

I stood up, my eyes growing wide with panic. "Hey, thanks for the Chinese, but I have to go."

Sabelle looked at me for a long moment, slowly eating her white rice. "Where?"

"I need to see my friend."

An expression of sadness overtook her yellow eyes. "But we just got here."

I sighed. "Okay, you gotta pen?"

She went through the blank purse that was dangling from her shoulder and offered me a blue ballpoint pen. Taking the pen and a napkin that was pushed to the side, I scrawled out my phone number. "Call me later if you wanna hang. No pills, though. Not right now; I think I should take a little break."

Sabelle took the napkin in her hands and smiled. "Okay, Alex. I will."

I said a final goodbye, rushed to the door, and practically ran out.

I've considered to stop at home just to show Claire I wasn't a drugged up zombie anymore, but the desire to see Marshall was stronger. I wasn't sure what was going to happen when we see each other, but I knew that I had to apologize for going ghost for nearly a month.

Marshall was playing on his front yard with Nathan. He was trying to show him how to melt army men with a magnifying glass, but his teachings were cut short when our eyes locked. Marshall slowly rose to his feet, despite Nate's protest to continue melting the general.

"Alex.." I saw him mouth before running over to me. I ran towards him too, and what I was expecting to be a romantic embraced turned relatively violent when Marshall punched me in the shoulder.

I stumbled back and held my shoulder. "Ow! Fuck-"

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" Marshall roared, pushing me back. "I haven't seen you since your birthday! Christ Alex, I thought you were dead!"

I frowned. Though I wasn't expecting a perfect reunion to take place, I wasn't expecting it to be this bad, either. I continued to rub my shoulder, not sure how to explain that I went back to drugs.

Marshall kept looking at me with watery blue eyes. "You kept acting weird after the party--like a different fuckin' person. It was like you were constantly on dope." When Marshall noticed my guilty face, he grabbed my shoulders. "You weren't on dope, were you? Please tell me it was because of your depression or some shit and not because of drugs."

I couldn't answer.

Marshall took a few steps back, stunned. "But...I thought you were done with that shit. That shit ruined your life and you went back to it? You were close to killing yourself over this shit, and you fucking went back to it?"

"Marshall look, it isn't that easy-"

"Yes it is! You make the choice whether to use again. No one is shoving a fucking pill down your throat and forcing you to get high! No, you just don't fucking care about anything except drugs."

His words hurt; I had to blink back tears and bite my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. "Marshall I'm a fucking addict, I can't help it-"

"Oh, you're the victim? Poor Alex! Honestly, fuck you. You just fucking abandoned everyone you knew so you can get high. You fucking knowingly turned your back on all your friends and made your life about drugs. You did that shit, Alex. No one forced you to leave everyone and turn into a fucking crackhead.

"I bet you didn't even think of me, huh? Alex, I was in a fucking depression while you were gone. I was so fucking worried, I didn't know what the fuck happened to you! I didn't know if you fucking killed yourself or got kidnapped or what! But here you were the whole time, getting fucked up on Oxy and Perks and Zans and whatever else you pushed down your throat!"

Marshall shoved me again. "I'm right, aren't I? Tell me I'm right."

"You're right..."I croaked, tears falling down my cheeks. "You're right. I made the choice to pick drugs over everyone else. But I do what to change!"

"You don't even try," he said to me, disgust ringing in his tone. "You never did. I can see that now. It's like you don't care about anything."

My stomach churned, but I kept a neutral expression. How was I suppose to admit that he was right again? I knew he wanted an argument--some sort of reassurance that I wasn't truly this awful of a person--but I couldn't come up with one. We stood in a crushing silence.

I watched as he cracked his knuckles and sighed. "I'm leaving you."

a/n

liek if u cried