Oh My...

53.) I Love Myself

I slept over Lindsay's apartment the night before we were supposed to leave. It was a few weeks since I made the announcement, and Bree was aloof around me while Marshall made it his mission to ignore me. Even Claire seemed uncomfortable when I was around.

I hated to feel guilty for making the steps towards a better living, but I couldn't help it. The people closest to me were hating the fact that I wanted to leave, making me second guess what I was doing.

Lindsay and I were trying to kill the night by sharing a bottle of wine. It was only seven, but in order to make our flight, we would have to leave just as the sun was rising. Might as well make ourselves tired now, as wine has the perfect ability to do that. We were both sitting in her bedroom, which was nearly barren from the few days prior spent packing, with a bottle sitting in between us. I couldn't help but be reminded of when I was thirteen and me and a friend would do this in my bedroom in Brooklyn, sharing whatever we could steal from my mom's liquor cabinet.

I swished my pink wine around the glass I was drinking out of. "Lindsay, I'm worried."

"I am too," she agreed, sparking a cigarette. "But I mean, how can you not? But I'm excited too, ya know?" 

"Everyone hates the fact that I'm doing this," I admitted sadly. "And it's fucking me up."

"Fuck them. They're not gonna be in your life soon, so why do you even care?"

"How can I not care," I muttered under my breath. I started to pour more wine, despite the fact that my glass wasn't empty yet.

Lindsay was silent for a moment, observing the label that wrapped around the red hue bottle. "Alex, I don't mean this in a bitchy way so please don't take it as so, but why are you so fucking insecure?"

I blinked, initially offended. "I'm not insecure." I stated coldly, glaring. "I don't care what no one thinks of me-"

"Yes you fucking do, because if you didn't, you wouldn't have tried to kill yourself over what some boy said."

Anger flared inside me. "Yo, you don't know what the fuck went down-"

"And right now," Lindsay continued, unbothered by the venom in my tone, "you're about to bail because of how people reacted to your decision. If you really didn't care about what people thought, you wouldn't pay them any mind-"

"They're my family-"

"Who fucking cares?!" Lindsay thundered, afterwards having to take a swig of her wine in an effort to calm down. "They aren't good for you. Oh well. Yeah it sucks that they're your family, but shit happens. Make your own fucking family and quit breaking your neck over these people, it isn't fair to you."

I rolled over to lay on my side, staring at her with a water filled gaze. "I know...it just feels so shitty to know you can't get along with anyone in your family."

Lindsay shrugged, moving on her back to gaze at the ceiling. "Fuck it, sis. You don't have to see none of them anymore." 

She reached over and grabbed my hand. I stared at her, but she just blinked at the fan overhead.

"I love you, Alex." She muttered softly, rubbing soft circles into my hand with her thumb. "It makes me so mad to hear this shit, because you really are one of the best people I've ever met." 

Tears gathered in the brim of my eyes. I tried to blink them away, but a few still seeped out. "You don't know me..." I croaked, my self hatred coming out to battle with her words.

Lindsay shook her head briefly, obviously unconvinced. "No, shut the fuck up Alex." She turned her head towards me. Staring at her, it was clear that she was drunk as hell. Still, that didn't make her words any less touching. She rose my hand and brought it to her lips, giving me a slight kiss. "Alex, can you say something for me?" 

I cocked up an eyebrow. "What?" 

"Say that you love yourself." 

I stared at her for a minute, clearly taken back by her question.  "W-What?" I stammered, my jaw slightly ajar.

 "Say, 'I love myself'." Lindsay whispered, her eyelids falling over her hazy gaze. "Say it." 

"I love myself." 

"Fucking mean it, Alex." She snarled. "Jesus Christ." 

"I don't love myself, though." I murmured, blinking back a soft sting as water blurred my vision. "I disgust myself. I'm just another drug addict-" 

"Why do you live by your faults? Why do you allow your mistakes to define you? You're suppose to grow from them, Alex." 

"Because they do define me," I returned, my voice pulling up into a pathetic whine. I sniffed and rubbed the back of my hand under my eyes. "I was stupid enough to do them-" 

"Everyone makes mistakes, Alex!" Lindsay exclaimed. "What if everyone lived with this state of mind? The entire world would be terrible! You fucking learn from your mistakes and move on." 

I stared at her, my bottom lip poking out into a childish pout. "I'm so afraid, Lindsay. What if this is who I am? What if I was just born to lose?" 

"Shut up," Lindsay hissed, squeezing my hand. "You and I both know that's not true." 

I shook my head, my throat burning from holding back sobs. I couldn't speak, I just kept shaking my head. 

Lindsay rolled over on her side to face me. She ran her slender fingers through my short black hair. "Alexandra, I promise by summer, you will love yourself." 

I was still shaking my head, trembling with whimpers as I squeezed my eyes shit. She had no idea. 

"This is gonna be good for you," she continued. "Cali is gonna change your life." 

"I hope you're right," I cried, my voice weak and wavering. 

Lindsay stoked my cheek. "I am--I'm always right." She smirked playfully. 

I laughed--an ugly laughed that mixed in with my sobs. "I love you, Lindsay." 

"I love you too, Alex." She kissed my cheek. 

I prayed to God that she was right. 

a/n 

hey! immmm back!!!.........to tell yall that this is the last chapter XD THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 i love all of you, writing this story seriously inspired me and changed me as a writer. I cant thank you guys enough <3  The Fame will come out sometime soon! and also, keep an eye out for any other fanfics that may pop up on my profile! i got a few ideas brewing XD I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANKS FOR READING THIS CRAZY CLUSTERFUCK OF A STORY!!!!!