finding her voice

The Plan

You wanna know what I hate most about people? They think they know everything until proven wrong. I absolutely hate that there are labels at my high school, (like any other high school in the universe)! Most people let that label define them.

But, why?  Why let people get to you like that? Why let people define who you are? Why be afraid to speak up for your rights? I mean, it's your life. You only live once and if you only live once, then you should be able to do things how you see fit.

Do whatever you think is right, and if it turns out that it isn't right? Don't be mean about it. Admit to your mistakes and move on from there. Basically, what I'm trying to say to you is that you do not have to be afraid to speak your mind! If people are rude to you, then be rude back!

     Fight fire with fire, but try to know when to stop because If you don't stop fighting and you keep going on with that method, you're eventually going to get burned. So, don't get burned. Avoid it if you can. I know, easier said than done. But, where there's a will, there has got to be some sort of way, right? I mean you can't just be looking and looking, willing from the depths of your imagination for something to come to you that will never come, no matter how much work you do, right? I mean, there has got to be some sort of justice here! If you just keep fighting a losing battle, somebody has to go to jail, right? Or, at the very least, get burned.

     But, what if I'm that somebody that gets burned? What if I am doing wrong when I was just trying to not get picked on? What if, by some mysterious law that has been kept secret for generations due to some sort of secret agency crap, by me sticking up for myself, I am unknowingly breaking a law I didn't even know I was breaking? That can't be a thing, though, right?

Ugh! I took a deep breath, willing some air to flow through my lungs so I wasn't suffocating as much.

     One... two... three. Breathe. That's it. You're okay Lila! Nothing bad is going to happen. You are safe!

This seemed to be helping me, because I felt my heart slowing down the thumping and pumping of blood I felt. I was returning to my original heart rate. I was breathing better, beginning to feel less suffocating. The clamminess I had felt beginning to rise up from the edges of my palms, starting to creep up in the crevices between my fingers, was beginning to dry ever so slowly.

     I would be fine. I knew I would. But that didn't mean that I'd be fine tomorrow or any day after today for that matter. I was starting a dangerous game. I was going to pick up the pieces of my ever tiring social life. I was going to get rid of the dead weights in my life that were dragging me down. I needed to do this. Starting tomorrow I would make it my mission to get my life back on track, no matter how much my body had protested against it.