finding her voice

(23) What happened: part 2

Kevin got out of the car and I followed in his wake. He banged on the door. "Come out, you big sister stealer!" He spat. Oh, god. What is he doing?

Sadly, Carters car was parked in the driveway. He was here and his parents were elsewhere because there car was nowhere in cite. How convenient for Kevin and how inconvenient for Carter. Suddenly, Carter opened up the door. "What is this about sister-" Before Carter could even finish his sentence, Kevin punched Carter so hard, it'd knocked him to the ground. Before Carter had anytime to get up or recover, Kevin got on top of him and started punching and punching, mercilessly. He even kicked him in the ribcage a few times. "Stop it!" I yelled. He wouldn't listen. I tried breaking them apart. He wouldn't budge.

I called an ambulance and quietly told them the information they needed. They said they'd be here as soon as possible. I hung up and I saw that Kevin was still throwing punches and kicking Carter. There was a pool of blood surrounding them. "I tried breaking them apart again and this time he shoved me to the ground and punched me a few times.

Finally, The paramedics were here. I wasn't allowed to go in, but they had Kevin come with them because he was responsible for Carter's injuries. After that happened, I called mom. She came and got me and I told her what happened. I kept crying and crying, until I couldn't, anymore. My mom hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay for now. As soon as the drive was over, I went straight to my room only to find Angus was being in it. "Out!" I screamed at him, pointing towards the door.

He was playing on his ds, on my bed. He sometimes does it. Especially when he wants some peace and quiet. My room is where to go. I allow him to usually, but this time I wanted and needed to be alone. "Just a second." He said, not even bothering to look up at me. I marched over to my bed and took his ds. I knew he wasn't going to listen. The only way I could get his attention, was if I took his ds. So, wala. "Hey!" He said.

"Get out of my room." I said, as calmly as I could.

"Fine." He said, taking his ds. "You're no fun." He mumbled out, as he left.

"Yeah, well life's not fun. That's just the way the cookie crumbles." I yelled after him. I closed the door and started my endless pity party.

PRESENT DAY

What if he died and I never got to see him again? What if he thought why I wasn't visiting him, was because I didn't care? Horrible thoughts ran through my mind, like the endless worrywart that I am. I finally just could not take it anymore. I had to visit Carter at the hospital. I didn't want him thinking I didn't care about him. I did, it was just that I'm scared to even think about Carter anymore. But, I understand it's the right thing to do. I also would hate to go through life knowing he died and I wasn't there for him. That I wasn't there every step of the way with him. I might have been a little lost. But I'll be there for him.

I washed up and showered and brushed my teeth and even got dressed. I actually looked like myself again. Even if I felt incredibly lost. It was still a start. I went downstairs, to the livingroom where my mom was on the couch with a bown of popcorn watching tv. "Hey mom, can you drive me to the hospital?" I asked. My mom looked at me and she was stunned. I have only been out of my room to gather up food in my room. And I looked terrible and was always in pj's. So, yeah this is a big change for me. I even want to go to the hospital, which my mom has been bugging me to go too, since the accident. When my mom continued to say nothing and just sat there, looking at me, probably trying to figure out whether or not this is a dream. Her mouth was open wide, prepared for all the flys to fly up in there. "I would drive myself, but I didn't want to be alone in the process." I explained.

"O-oh," My mom finally started to recover from her shock. "O-of course." She said, shutting off the tv and putting the popcorn bowl in the sink to be washed later on. She grabbed her jacket and car keys and we left.

I was to scared to even breathe. We were currently at the parking lot of the hospital. Every step I took was like a nightmare. I counted how many steps it took exactly to get from my car to the hospital. It took forty-seven and a half steps. I counted because it gave me something to focus on. I counted because it was better than facing the reality that awaits me on the inside of these doors. Mom opened the door up and held it out for me. I didn't want to go in. But I had no choice. After all I didn't drag mom here just so we could not go to the hospital. I had to go in. So, hesitantly and reluctantly I finally took I step into the hospital where Carter lays in one of these floors. In one of these beds. I was scared to see what condition I'd find him in. What if it looked as though he wasn't going to make it? What if the doctor told me he isn't going to make it and only had so much time to live before poof. He was Gone. Gone from this earth? He had to make it and I had to stop thinking like this. It was only jinxing this up more. He's been in the hospital for far to long for exactly one month and four days now for god knows how long.

We checked in and the lady told us where to go. I was scared out of my mind. My mom squeezed my hand to tell me she was there for me no matter what and I was so happy, beyond happy to know that I wasn't alone. I had my mom. Now all I need is Carter, the love of my life and I'll be okay. At least that's what I tried to convince myself. I tried to convince myself that he was going to overcome this we were going to be stronger because of it. But what if he died? Or what if he hated me for not visiting him at his weakest point? God, why wasn't I there sooner? I should of been there sooner. What if it's to late? If it's to late and he... passes... I'm pretty sure- No, I'm positive that my soul will die with him. How could he ever leave me? How could god ever want him to leave me? I need him. Doesn't god see that? I need him, like a fish needs water to survive. I need him, like I need oxegen to breath. He's my oxegen because if I don't get my fill of him everyday I can't breath and I need to breath. So, really when god is taking Carter away, he wouldn't just be taking one person away from this earth. He'd be taking two because there's know way that I could ever survive knowing that he isn't here. I can't breathe knowing that he isn't okay. Can god see that? How could god give me the best thing I have ever had and threaten to take it away just like that? How could I be so selfish as to not visit him because I couldn't bare the thought of him not being okay? What is wrong with me? He has always been there for me, but when the roles were reversed and he was the one who needed someone to be there for him. I left him there to drown. How is that okay? I am a terrible human being.

"Lila," My mom said, trying to wake me up from my trance. I was in another world and once I realized we were at the hospital an inch away from Carter, I froze. I knew that all I had to do was turn the doornob and walk in and finally see him. Finally see the boy I love. But instead of turning the doornob I just stayed frozen stiff. I didn't move. It was almost as though I could not move. I felt parylzed, hopeless. My mom took me in her arms. "Honey, don't cry." The funny thing about it was I didn't even see the first tear drop, but as soon as my mother said that senctence, I realized how right she was. I was full on balling. I was a wreck. Here Carter needed me and I couldn't even be ther for him. Who am I? I am such a screw up. I love him and this is how I treat someone I love? Shame on me. "It's going to be okay. You'll feel much better once you see him. Lila, you can do this. I know you can. Don't worry, just go in there and see him. You never know what's going to happen until you see him. You are strong. You can do it. That's why god did this to you. He knew you could survive this. My baby girl can survive anything. I know she can. Now, just put on a brave face and be there for you're man. He needs you, more than ever." My mom continued to console me. I let go of her and suck in a deep breath. I took a whole of the door knob and started turning it. But before I went in, I looked at my mother and she gave me two big thumbs up and a big smile on her face.

What would I do without my mother? She has been strong with me too. She has been everything I need and I love her for it. Now I have to do that with Carter. So, I took another deep breath, wiped my tears with the back of my hand, so he wouldn't notice and went in, not knowing what the other side held. It scared me to death. But I know Carter needed me and I needed to be there for him. I wanted to be there for him. So just like that, I finally went into his hospital room.