finding her voice

(21) My jerk head brother

I soon got to my house and got greeted by my parents. I said a quick 'hi' to them and then went up to my room as fast as I could, practically at the speed of lightning. Yeah, the flash got nothing on me. Just joking, I'm usually as slow as molasses, but today was different. I should probably talk to them, like I said I would. I plan to, but I just had to do one quit thing, before I dealt with them.

I've wanted someone to tell me that I am special and worthy. I wanted to feel special and worthy in someones eyes. Like, me and only me was good enough for that certain boy. And that certain boy was Carter. It was finally happening. And I just could not believe it. I thought I was dreaming and going to wake up at any minute. But I wasn't. This was real and this was finally happening. And I couldn't believe it. I was so happy. I felt content with Carter, like this is the boy I am going to spend the rest of my life with. And I just new that would be true.

I grabbed a notebook and a pencil. I laid on my bed on top my belly and started to write. A few hours later, I had finally been satisfied with my work. I decided to read it again, just to make sure for some reason, because when it came to writing I was a perfectionist. There was no way to put it lightly. It was just that plain and simple.

You can't take the devil out of somebody
I thought you were the devil That's what I honest to god thought of you
But now, I feel like a schmuck cause ever since I've let you in,
I've had so much luck
Don't know why I always judged you from the past
I mean,
I have read too many cliches to have not known the truth as to why you really were a devil to me
But I guess apart of me was falling too,
Falling so hard that it scared me; and I had to be in denial with my feelings
But they were their lingering,
not letting me breath
And I was tingling
From underneath my skin
whenever you were near me
I just didn't know it yet
I just didn't want to know it yet
To know the truth
Now I do, and the truth is,
I am so in love with you, that it's almost crazy
Whenever you're near me,
it's like they let out a zoo into my stomach
Whenever you're near me,
I feel like a had a mini heart attack and died
Then I sprung back to life,
of course
I wouldn't let you get away from me that easily
Not after you were secretly my hero all along
You were truly my secret guardian angel sent to me from up above
I just didn't know it yet
But the truth is that I love you
and your just going to have to deal with that

When I was completely satisfied with the poem, I put my notebook and writing utensil away. I thought that the poem explained everything that I felt about Carter best. I mean I felt that and so much more. I mean that poem didn't even explain half of what I felt for Carter. But it was a start and I knew it would be enough. I somehow knew that Carter would love it and someday, on a special occasion I will show him the poem. I know he'll love it and if he doesn't then I'll tell him to shove it down his ass. WOW! I'm aggressive!

Anyway, when I finished my poem completely, I decided to go down stairs and tell my mom what was going on with me. I would tell dad too, but I'd rather just mom. She always knew what to say and was always understanding to me.

I found my mom in the kitchen getting dinner ready as always. "Hey mom." I said, leaning over the counter, taking a mushroom from her before she could stop me and eating it as fast as I could.

She glared at me for a second and then went back to her cooking, like I hadn't done a thing. "So, what do I owe this pleasant visit from you?"

I laughed nervously. "Mom, can we talk?" She stopped what she was doing and looked at me. She studied the worry on my face and realized that this was serious to me. She nodded and we sat at the kitchen table.