The Professional Lover (18+) | [Complete]

32 : Keeping Him

The following chapter contains explicit material intended for an 18+ audience ONLY.

_____

I've been staring at the door for minutes now. The key is in my hand, I know it still works, but I can't seem to use it. It shouldn't be this hard. I put the key into the lock, turn it, and then open the door. All of that makes sense. The problem I really have is what to do after I go in.

I've been going through this conversation in my head for weeks. All the things I need to say but don't want to. My heart pounds nervously and my skin aches. I put the key in the door anyway.

The door swings open and I look up to see Mickey standing in the kitchen. He looks unreal, so handsome in a half-unbuttoned shirt and unbelted slacks. He looks down at me, his face tense with an expression somewhere between sadness and apprehension. "Hi," he says.

I take in a shaky breath. "Hi."

We stand there for a moment, hesitating. Then at the same time, I reach up to him and he takes me into his embrace. I drape my arms around his neck as he lifts me off my feet and coaxes my legs to wrap around his middle. He carries me over, sets me on the kitchen counter and hugs me tighter against him.

My breathing quivers as I bury my head against his neck. His familiar scent fills my nose, and his strong, desperate grip lessens my fear.

"I'm sorry," he says finally.

My fingers grip his neck and shoulder tighter. "I'm sorry too."

"Everything I do is for you. I should never have let the stress and anger cloud my mind of that," he explains. "What I did and said wasn't okay, and I am so, so sorry, baby."

"You don't have to apologize for speaking the truth," I reassure him. "You were right about something ..." He turns his head and I lean away to look at him. "I was bundling shit up and I let it break us."

His brow furrows. "It didn't break us."

"Almost break us," I correct myself. I run my hands over his hair as I feel my tears building. "I overcompensate with sex because it feels good, and it makes life stop hurting for a moment, and you're really, really good at it," I say as I start to cry. "And I will always think you deserve better than me, because you do. You're an amazing person, and you're perfect at everything and I'm so fucking proud of you all the time," my rambling ends with a sob. "But at the same time ... I can't let you go because I've never been in love with someone as much as I am with you, and I know I never will be again."

"Baby," he sighs. "You know I feel the exact same way." His hand grips my leg tighter as I'm still wrapped around him.

I run my hands to his cheeks, staring into his eyes, and watching the tears beginning to build. My heart breaks at the sight. "I never want to push you away, Mickey. But when everyone that I've ever loved has either left me or died ..." My body trembles as I try to breathe. "I think always looking for an out was ... my fucked up way of wanting to keep you with me." His face tenses with emotion as he gives me a pained smile. I watch the single tear escape down his cheek.