I Choose You.

Chapter 14

Castiel's POV

-trigger warning⚠️-

I came home from school on Thursday and went up to my room. I put my earbuds in and played Fallout Boy while I did my homework. A few minutes later Lucifer strolled in and threw his homework down on my bed and left without saying a word. What a bitch. I sat my homework aside and started doing his. May I remind you that Lucifer is a freshmen in college. When I was finishing the last problem of his calculus homework I heard him call me, "Cas!" I sighed and got up and walked to his room. I stood in the doorway, "What is it?" He half smirked and said, "There's a spider under the bed. Get it." He's not even scared of spiders! I'm terrified of them. He knows that too! What a douche! "A s-spider?" His smirk got wider. "Get it, Castiel." I swallowed and grabbed a bunch of paper towels and looked under the bed. "There's nothing there, Lucifer." I said. I'm kind of relieved there isn't, but that also means he could pull something. He threw a tarantula in front of my face on the ground and it crawled on my hand. It's prickling hairs poking me. I screamed and shook it off of me. I stood up and ran to my room. What the fuck!! What the actual fuck!! I locked my door and shivered at the thought of that fucking spider. I kicked one of Lucifer's books and went into the bathroom. I got in the shower to get that feeling off of me. I turned the water piping hot and stepped in. I love the feeling of water running over my skin and trickling off. I let the water run over me and calm me down for a while. Dean. My baby. I miss him already. His eyes. His freckles. His smile. His nose. The way his body fits perfectly on top of mine. The feeling I get when he runs his fingers over my skin. I love him. I chuckle and shake my head, "I have fallen in every way imaginable for him." I washed my hair and body and got out of the shower. I grabbed a blue towel and dried off. I brushed my teeth before I went back into my room and slipped on some sweatpants and one of Dean's t-shirts. It's a little big on me, but I like that. I laid back down on my bed and put my ear buds in, this time listening to Arctic Monkeys. I finished Lucifer's homework and then mine. I grabbed his homework and text books and went to his room. He wasn't there but I set them down on his bed, being cautious in case the spider was there. I walked out of his room and heard my mother yell down for us all, "Dinner, boys!". I walked downstairs and sat at the table waiting for the food to be sat down. Lucifer sat across from me and Gabriel next to me. Michael sat down by Lucifer. My mother sat down the food and asked, "Castiel, would you pray please?" She never asks me to pray. God dammit. "Um.. Um yeah.." We all folded our hands, closed our eyes, and bowed our heads. "Um.. Dear Lord we come to you tonight to thank you for putting food on the table and.. Um.. Keeping us alive.. Thank you Lord... Amen.." That was horrible, oh my gosh. They all followed suit and said, "Amen." We all grabbed our food and ate. We had an occasional conversation, but it was mostly Michael and Mom talking about something in the bible. I didn't pay too much attention. Once we were all finished eating I went back up to my room and got on my phone. I went through all the pictures Dean and I took earlier that day. He's such a goofball. I chuckled at the pictures.

"Hey, Baby." Dean texted me.

"Hello, darling." I replied. I decided to call him, I prefer to here his voice. "Hey, baby. What's up?" He said as he answered his phone. "Hello, Dean. I just finished dinner and looked through the photos we took earlier today." I chuckled with that. "What?" He said, "Are they bad?" I smiled although he didn't know. "No, of course not baby. I love seeing your face. Especially next to mine." I could hear the smile in his voice as he said, "I just love you in general. Speaking of, tomorrow I'm taking you out for the night." I blushed slightly, "oh, do I have no say in if I want to go or not?" "Nope. You're going. Be sure to dress nice." I laughed out of happiness, "Okay, baby." We talked on the phone for an hour and said our goodbyes until the morning, "I love you too, dean." I hung up the phone and smiled. I love him so much. He gave me the hope I craved for a year ago. The love I yearned for. He made and still does make the pain go away.

I got up and went downstairs to get a drink of water before going to bed. I walked down the stairs, my toes burying into the carpet with each step, and then into the kitchen. My mother stood in there leaning against the counter looking distressed. "Hey mom. You alright?" She looked over at me, with what looked like disappointment in her eyes. "Mom?" She shook her head. "When were you going to tell me, Castiel?" Maybe it's not what I think. "Tell you what?" "Don't, Castiel. I know. Lucifer told me about Dean." Yep. Definitely disappointment. Her voice when she said 'Dean' sounded disgusted. I froze, my eyes widened and my voice seemed to be gone for the moment. I couldn't move from the shock. That little bitch told her! He fucking told her! "Um - I - it just - uh - I can explain.."

"You better explain, young man."

"Mom.. I love him."

"Don't you dare say that again, Castiel Novak. You were not raised this way!"

"I love him!! I don't care how I was raised! I don't care about the stupid mission! I don't even care about God! You can't change that no matter how hard you try!" I was yelling now. Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer were standing at the top of the stairs listening. My mother's eyes widened in shock and anger. "How dare you!!! How dare you!! How long have you been lying to me, Castiel?" I looked down, "About a year.."

"A year?!" She was silent for a few minutes, rubbing her head. I was afraid to move so I stayed still. "No, this is not acceptable. Tomorrow you'll break up with him. If you don't you'll be kicked out, disowned."

"Mom! No! Please, no!" I started crying and begging at the same time.

"No son of mine will be a homosexual. Do you understand me, Castiel?" I shook my head, unable to speak through the tears. My mom shook her head and mumbled out, "Why, God, why? Why my son? He had such potential.. I can't believe this.. Where did I go wrong? What a disgrace." I ran upstairs, past my brothers, to my room. I slammed my door shut and threw myself on my bed. I cried, sobbed, shook, and rocked back and forth for hours. By the time a calmed down slightly it was midnight. Tears were still falling down my damp face. I looked at my bathroom and walked towards it. It's like it was calling my name. I can't take this, I won't take this. I'll end it before it can ever happen. I opened my cabinet and grabbed my blade. I sat on ground and looked at it. End it, Castiel. You'll be better off. They'll be better off. Do it, you wimp. Fucking do it!! My mind was yelling at me. I went and grabbed my phone. I typed "I love you." Into my phone and sent it to Dean. No matter what, baby, I'll always love you. I walked back into the bathroom and sat back down, crying again. I placed the blade on my wrist. The feeling so familiar. I'm greeting it like an old friend. I let out a shaky whisper, "Do it.." I dug the blade down and slid it across, red liquid following behind it. I laid my head back against the wall, my whole body shaking. "Di-disgrace..." I stuttered out as I made another mark. This is my best form of art, my best type of painting. I only use the color red and my body is my canvas. I continue with my art, mark after mark, until both of my wrists are full and I'm violently sobbing. I stay there, crying and mumbling things like, "I love you.." "Dean, save me.." "Please..". I start relapsing of back to a year ago, when this was a regular thing. I whisper out, "fag.. Useless.. Worthless.. That's what you've always been. You've just been pretending you meant something to someone.. Stupid boy." Stupid, stupid boy.